Dan Q

Tag: fun

Tell Me About Your Heterosexuality

Rediscovered this online – some questions for the heterosexual:

  1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
  2. When and how did you first decide that you were a heterosexual?
  3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase that you will grow out of?
  4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of people of the same sex?
  5. Heterosexuals have histories of failure in gay relationships. Do you think that you may have turned to heterosexuality from fear of rejection?
  6. If you’ve never slept with a person of the same sex, how do you know that you wouldn’t prefer that?
  7. If heterosexuality is normal, why are a disproportionate number of mental patients heterosexual?
  8. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies, what reaction did you get?
  9. Your heterosexuality doesn’t offend me as long as you leave me alone. But why do so many heterosexuals try to seduce others into that orientation?
  10. Most child molesters are heterosexual. Do you consider it safe to expose your children (if you have any) to heterosexuals, especially heterosexual teachers?
  11. Why must heterosexuals be so blatant, making a public display of their heterosexuality? Can’t you just be what you are and keep it quiet?
  12. Heterosexuals always align themselves such narrowly restricted, stereotyped sex-roles. Why do you cling to such unhealthy role-playing?
  13. How can you have a fully satisfying emotional experience with a person of the opposite sex when the obvious physical, biological, and temperamental differences are so vast? How can a man possible understand what pleases a woman sexually and vice versa?
  14. Heterosexual marriage has total social support, yet the divorce rate continues to spiral upwards. Why are there so few stable heterosexual relationships?
  15. Since there are so few happy heterosexuals, techniques have been developed to help people change. Have you tried aversion therapy?
  16. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist / councilor not to try to influence you towards their sexual leanings?
  17. Do heterosexuals hate or distrust others of their own sex? Is that what makes them heterosexual?
  18. Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous; always having ‘affairs’ etc?

Made me smile.

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Improved Viagra Available From Chemists

As of next week, an improved version of Viagra will be available – without prescription – from your local chemist. Just go up to the counter and request Mycoxafloppin. Satisfy your woman! Cure your errectile disorder! Make $$$ fast! No… wait.

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SmartRacer

Yesterday lunchtime I finished writing a program that suddenly makes our working day that little bit more exciting – SmartRacer.

SmartRacer running in the System Tray

SmartRacer runs quietly in the system tray of as many users want to run it – currently Matt, Haagen, Gareth and me… but I’m trying to get Alex involved, too.

When you click on the system tray icon, the race begins! A couple of quick UDP broadcast packets are passed around the network, and everybody on the subnet who’s running the program is presented with racing-style “start lights”… 3… 2… 1… GO!

SmartRacer popup showing countdown lights. Let's race!

At this point, all participants will race – on their wheely-chairs – around the central ‘island’ of tables, in a clockwise direction, and attempt to be first to return to their own place and click the “Finish” button. Overtaking is rare – but permitted – and usually quite aggressive. As each player returns to their desk a “score” table is presented to everybody, with all participants times appearing in ‘minutes’ (heh), ‘seconds’, and ‘hundredths’.

Map of the office showing the approved race circuit.

Of course, players can choose not to participate in any particular race by clicking the “I’m Not Playing” button. The wimps.

You can download SmartRacer here, to play at your own workplace – SmartRacer.exe (64kb). It runs on Windows 98/ME/2000/XP/2003, and requires the Microsoft .NET Framework.

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Not-Gay Gareth

Not-Gay Gareth Is Back In Town!

By sheer coincidence, I bumped into not-gay Gareth, a friend of mine from my second year, who studied Film & TV while working as a projectionist at the Arts Centre cinema. It’s him who introduced me to both Troma and Studio Ghibli, and therefore him who’s (inadvertently) been a huge influence on the appearance of Troma Night – after all; without him, I may never have had that conversation with Paul that led to the decision to have Troma Night One.

So… I invited him along to this Saturday’s Troma Night.

Not-gay Gareth is also the guy “behind the camera” for Team CompSci’s “The Matrix”, the spoof that won Rory, John, Dom, Huw and I the “Best Presentation” award (and a nice cash prize) at the 2001 Student Skills Competition – a spectacular feat still talked about within Aber’s Department of Computer Science. With Claire, Paul and Ruth competing on behalf of Comp. Sci in the 2005 competition, I suddenly feel very old again. =o/

In other news, I’ve developed WikiBridgePuzzle on RockMonkey, a re-interpretation of a classic puzzle.

Catch ye all later!

Update – 12 October 2018: This blog post was also crossposted to the Troma Night website at the time, where I added:

As I’ve just recently mentioned on my blog, not-gay Gareth is back in town. This is relevant because it’s this guy – who I lived with in my second year – that gave me my initial interest in Troma and in Studio Ghibli. In fact; were it not for him, it’s unlikely that I’d ever have had the conversation with Paul that led to the creation of the very first Troma Night.

In any case, I’ve invited him along to an upcoming Troma Night. I’m sure you’ll all give him the welcome he deserves…

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The Mathematics Of Woman

Here’s a thought for you. We all know that women seem to take up a lot of time and money – in actual fact, having women is the product of time and money, which can be expressed thusly:

women = time x money

We also know, from the old adage, that “time is money”:

time = money

As a result, we can substitute money for time in our original premise, to give us:

women = money x money
women = money2

And since “money is the root of all evil”, we can go on to state:

money = sqrt(evil)

This derives to:

money2 = evil

By substituting money squared for evil, we can therefore conclude once and for all:

women = evil

Q.E.D.

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Amused Me This Monday Morning

Two things of a religious nature that amused me this morning:

The Rapture Index – what happens if you take the models used to predict global stock exchange behaviour and apply them to biblical prophecy about “the last days”. It’s funny, right up until you realise that they’re absolutely serious. Pretty site, though.

How To Tell If Your Child Is A Goth (and therefore worshipping Satan and in great danger!) – hilariously bad, scary how the fundamentalist Christians find these things to blame for the world’s evils and to find Satan in. I particularly love the fact that you can tell that you have “strayed from the path of the Lord” by what breakfast cereal you eat. I originally lifted the entry from Faye‘s blog, but as she’s made it “friends only” I can’t link to it from here. Archived copy.

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