Once upon a time, long before I began selling my face by the acre for features on VICE dot com, I worked other jobs. There was one in particular that really had an impact on me:
writing fake reviews on TripAdvisor. Restaurant owners would pay me £10 and I’d write a positive review of their place, despite never eating there. Over time, I became obsessed with
monitoring the ratings of these businesses. Their fortunes would genuinely turn, and I was the catalyst.
This convinced me that TripAdvisor was a false reality – that the meals never took place; that the reviews were all written by other people like me. However, they’re not, of course –
they’re almost all completely genuine. And there was one other factor that seemed impossible to fake: the restaurants themselves. So I moved on.
And then, one day, sitting in the shed I live in, I had a revelation: within the current climate of misinformation, and society’s willingness to believe absolute bullshit, maybe a
fake restaurant is possible? Maybe it’s exactly the kind of place that could be a hit?
In that moment, it became my mission. With the help of fake reviews, mystique and nonsense, I was going to do it: turn my shed into London’s top-rated restaurant on TripAdvisor.
Gloucester Green Market, 78 The Heyes, Oxford OX1 2BU, United Kingdom.
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐
The weekday market offers the best multi-cuisine street food experience you’ll get almost anywhere: stalls as far as the eye can see serving Italian, Japanese, Indian, Goan, Ethiopian,
Spanish, Chinese, Vietnamese… the list goes on. Take an explore and try something new on a Wednesday or Thursday soon.
The non-food stalls are a mixed-bag. If you know what you’re looking for, you might find it. If you don’t, you might find something anyway, but don’t hold your breath.
This review of Alpha Bar originally appeared on Google Maps. See more reviews by Dan.
Alpha Bar, Covered Market, 89 Market St, Oxford OX1 3EE, United Kingdom.
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Delicious salads made to order plus a mixture of different hot and cold foods served daily. Always includes a great vegetarian selection, so long as you get there before it sells out!
Often incredibly long queues at lunchtime, and prices are a little high for what you get, but otherwise a great lunchtime venue.
Gurkha Village, 174 Oxford Rd, Kidlington OX5 1EA, United Kingdom.
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Delicious food whether eating-in or at home, but beware the long wait times: routinely 45 to 90 minutes for a delivery, and sometimes a little slow even if you’re sitting at a table in
the restaurant!
Worth it, so long as you aren’t in a hurry. And if you order using Just Eat or a similar service, be sure to follow-up with a phone call to make sure they noticed it!
Mission Burrito, 8 St Michael's St, Oxford OX1 2DU, United Kingdom.
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Good value, lovingly-made fast food. The best burrito in Oxford. A variety of fillings available including occasional specials and always a vegetarian option. Try a taster of their
different salsas and pick the one that suits you, and consider asking them to add some ‘spicy onions’ if you’d like an extra kick!
Burger King, 26 Cornmarket St, Oxford OX1 3EY, United Kingdom.
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Just another Burger King. Often long queues (sometimes out the door) at lunchtime, but they’re generally cleared quickly. Plenty of seating across three levels (fewest seats on the
ground floor, and they fill up fast: if you’ve a buggy or wheelchair it might be hard to get in at peak times), and generally kept clean and tidy.
The day has arrived… our lovely little Not Dogs restaurant in the Bullring, Birmingham has had a little update – in fact, our additions are a nod to our festival background complete
with bunting and grass! Let’s go on a virtual tour…
In a potato field near the Netherlands’ border with Belgium, Dutch farmer Jacob van den Borne is seated in the cabin of an immense harvester before an instrument
panel worthy of the starship Enterprise.
From his perch 10 feet above the ground, he’s monitoring two drones—a driverless tractor roaming the fields and a quadcopter in the air—that provide detailed readings on soil
chemistry, water content, nutrients, and growth, measuring the progress of every plant down to the individual potato. Van den Borne’s production numbers testify to the power of this
“precision farming,” as it’s known. The global average yield of potatoes per acre is about nine tons. Van den Borne’s fields reliably produce more than 20.
That copious output is made all the more remarkable by the other side of the balance sheet: inputs. Almost two decades ago, the Dutch made a national commitment to sustainable
agriculture under the rallying cry “Twice as much food using half as many resources.” Since 2000, van den Borne and many of his fellow farmers have reduced dependence on water for
key crops by as much as 90 percent. They’ve almost completely eliminated the use of chemical pesticides on plants in greenhouses, and since 2009 Dutch poultry and livestock
producers have cut their use of antibiotics by as much as 60 percent…
Miller & Carter Kidlington, 117 Bicester Rd, Kidlington OX5 2PX, United Kingdom.
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Shared a delightful tenth anniversary meal here recently. Hadn’t booked, but despite being busy they managed to squeeze us in. Enjoyed the third-best steak I’ve ever tasted, plus
delightful deserts and a range of exciting cocktails all at a price point that’s very reasonable for what you get.
Happy birthday to Not Dogs Birmingham! Our doors have been open at the Bullring’s LinkStreet for just 12 weeks now and what fun we are having!Our fantastic Crew have welcomed many
people (veggies, vegans and meat-eaters!) into the restaurant, seven days a week and we’re looking forward to seeing many more of you. Over the course…
