Hello, you have reached the Toddler Feelings Helpline. Please choose from the following options:

— If Mama went to the store for a minute but you are pretty sure she’s never coming back, please mash all of the keys but mostly 1.

— If you still feel pretty messed up about how they were just going to burn the Velveteen Rabbit, please mash all of the keys but mostly 2.

— If you don’t like the way your shirt is right now, please hit a sibling for no reason.

…