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The original link was: http://vgb.s.danq.me/
I’d like to share with you the worst joke that I ever heard. Those of you who’ve heard me tell jokes before might think that you’ve already suffered through the worst joke I ever heard, but you honestly haven’t. The worst joke I ever heard was simply too awful to share. But maybe now is the time.
To understand the joke, though, you must first understand where I grew up. For most of my school years, I lived in Preston, in the North-West of England. After first starting school in Scotland, and having been brought up by parents who’d grown up in the North-East, I quickly found that there were a plethora of local dialect differences and regional slang terms that I needed to get to grips with in order to fit into my new environment. Pants, pumps, toffee, and bap, among others, had a different meaning here, along with entirely new words like belm (an insult), gizzit (a contraction of “give it [to me]”), pegging it (running away, perhaps related to “legging it”?), and kegs (trousers). The playground game of “tag” was called “tig”. “Nosh” switched from being a noun to a verb. And when you wanted somebody to stop doing something, you’d invariably use the imperative “pack it in!”
And it’s that last one that spawned the worst joke I ever heard. Try, if you can, to imagine the words “pack it in”, spoken quickly, in a broad Lancashire accent, by a young child. And then appreciate this exchange, which was disturbingly common in my primary school:
Child 1: Pack it in!
Child 2: Pakis don’t come in tins. They come from India.
In case it’s too subtle for you, the “joke” stems from the phonetic similarity, especially in the dialect in question, between the phrase “pack it in” and the phrase “paki tin”.
In case you need to ask why this is the worst joke I ever heard, allow me to explain in detail everything that’s wrong with it.
Now I don’t believe that race is necessarily above humour – and the same goes for gender, sexuality, religion, politics, etc. But there’s difference between using a racial slur to no benefit (think: any joke containing the word “nigger” or “polak”), and jokes which make use of race. Here’s one of my favourite jokes involving race:
The Pope goes on a tour of South Africa, and he’s travelling in his Popemobile alongside a large river when he catches sight of a black man in the river. The man is struggling and screaming as he tries in vain to fight off a huge crocodile. Suddenly, the Pope sees two white men leap into the water, drag the man and the crocodile to land, and beat the crocodile to death with sticks, saving the black man’s life.
The Pope, impressed, goes over to where the two men are standing. “That was the most wonderful thing to do,” his holiness says. “You put yourselves at risk to kill the crocodile and save the life of your fellow man. I can see that it is men like you who will rebuild this country as an example to the world of true racial harmony.”
The Pope goes on his way. “Who was that?” asks one of the white men.
The other replies: “That was the Pope. He is in direct communication with God. He knows everything.”
“Maybe,” says the first, “But he knows fuck all about crocodile fishing!”
The butt of this joke is not race, but racists. In this example, the joke does not condone the actions of the ‘crocodile fishers’: in fact, it contrasts them (through the Pope’s mistake in understanding) to the opposite state of racial harmony. It does not work to reinforce stereotypes. Oh, and it’s funny: that’s always a benefit in a joke. Contrast to jokes about negative racial sterotypes or using offensive terms for no value other than for the words themselves: these types of jokes can serve to reinforce the position of actual racists who see their use (and acceptance) as reinforcement for their position, and – if you enjoy them – it’s worth asking yourself what that says about you, or might be seen to say about you.
What would “paki tin” even mean, if that were what the first child had meant? It’s not as if we say “beans tin” or “soup tin” or “peas tin”. Surely, if this piece of wordplay were to make any sense whatsoever, it would have to be based on the phrase “tin of pakis”, which I’m pretty sure nobody has ever said before, ever.
To illustrate, let me have a go at making a pun-based joke without the requirement that the pun actually make sense:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Yoodough.
Yoodough who?
Youdough not understand how jokes are supposed to work, do you?
You see? Not funny (except perhaps in the most dadaist of humour circles). It’s not funny because Yoodough isn’t actually a name. The format of the joke is ruined by balancing a pun against a phrase that just doesn’t exist. Let’s try again, but this time actually make the pun make sense (note that it’s still a knock knock joke, and therefore it probably still isn’t funny, except in an academic way):
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Yuri.
Yuri who?
Yuri-ly expect me to laugh at this, do you?
Let’s just stop and take a look at that punchline again, shall we: “Pakis… come from India.” Even ignoring everything else that’s wrong with this joke, this is simply… wrong! Now that’s not to say that jokes always have to reflect reality. Here’s a classic joke that doesn’t:
Lion woke up one morning with an overbearing desire to remind his fellow creatures that he was king of the jungle. So he marched over to a monkey and roared: “Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle?”
“You are, Master,” said the monkey, quivering.
Then the lion came across a wildebeest.
“Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle?” roared the lion.
“You are, Master,” answered the wildebeest, shaking with fear.
Next the lion met an elephant.
“Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle?” roared the lion.
The elephant grabbed the lion with his trunk, slammed him repeatedly against a tree, dropped him like a stone and ambled off.
“All right,” shouted the lion. “There’s no need to turn nasty just because you don’t know the answer.”
Aside from the suspension of disbelief required for the dialogues to function at all – none of these animals are known to be able to talk! – there’s an underlying issue that lions don’t live in jungles. But who cares! That’s not the point of the joke.
In the case of the “paki” joke, the problem could easily be corrected by saying “…they come from Pakistan.” It’d still probably be the worst joke I ever heard, but at least it’d be trying to improve itself. I remember being about 8 or 9 and explaining this to a classmate, but he wasn’t convinced. As I remember it, he called me a belm and left it at that.
So that’s the worst joke I ever heard. And now you’ve heard it, you can rest assured that every joke you hear from me – no matter how corny, obscure, long-winded or pun-laden – will at least be better than that one.
Here’s one last joke, for now:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. “Ugh!” says the bus driver, “That’s got to be the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming and close to tears. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me! I’m so upset!”
“You go up there and tell him off,” the man replies, “Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Things are crazy busy again. No time to blog properly, so here’s a picture that I scribbled on.
Incidentally, I was actually at the concert where this photo was taken, back in 2005. But that’s not actually me in the corner. I was just inspired to make the joke by this comic.
Ah, it’s that time of year again. Here’s a quick round-up of some of my favourite pranks on the web this April Fools’ Day:
Have a great April Fools Day! Play a prank on somebody for me. And, if you don’t want to get caught out yourself, why not install the Do Not Fool add-on for Firefox, which passes a Do-Not-Fool header to every web site you visit, requesting that the site does not display to you any prank content but only genuine pages.
After JTA and I’s monster plan for a great April Fools’ joke got rained-off this year (maybe another year), I just had to go ahead with two smaller April Fools’ gags this year.
The Photocopier Prank
A nice simple joke at the expense of the people in the office building I work in (and far less complex than last year’s prank against the same): I found a document online, printed it out, and stuck it to the photocopiers.
It instructs users that the photocopier has been upgraded with voice controls, so you can just “tell it” to copy, collate, staple etc. and it’ll follow your instructions. The document goes on to explain that it’s in “learning mode” right now and it might not get everything right while it learns your voice, so be patient and take the time to repeat yourself slowly and carefully.
I haven’t got eyes on the copier, so I’ve no idea how many – if any – people it caught.
The Abnib Announce/Joke Of The Week Prank
For the last few years, I’ve run two a text-message based mailing lists (I’ve got unlimited texts as part of my mobile contract, so it’s as-good-as free for me to do this). The first, Abnib Announce, lets people in Aber know about Troma Night, Geek Night, and similar events. The second, Joke of the Week, goes to a far wider audience and shares, every Friday, the best (by a loose and arguable definition of the word) of the jokes I’ve heard over the previous seven days.
This morning I sent out the following message to both lists:
Abnib Announce/Joke of the Week Update:
Bad news, everyone. My network has been in touch to say that running these regular bulk SMS lists is a violation of their Fair Use agreement, so I can’t run them from my “free texts” package any more. The good news is they’ve offered an alternative. These lists will now become subscription-based SMS services. This will cost you no more than 15p per message received, and a maximum of £1 per week (so £2 per week if you’re on both lists). I’m supposed to ask for your permission before subscribing your number, but I know you’ll all agree anyway. If for some reason you DON’T want to continue receiving Joke of the Week or Abnib Announce at 15p per message, please text me back BEFORE the first message, this afternoon. Ta!
I’ve had a handful of great responses, so far, including:
Man, I love this day of the year.
I’ve always had a thing for big, overcomplicated April Fools’ gags. Traditionally, we’d always play pranks on Penbryn Halls at the University, but it’s not so easy these days to gain access to halls of residence, now that they’ve installed door locks that don’t open by themselves when you so much as breathe hard on them, so I thought it was time to broaden my sights.
I work for a company based in the Aberystwyth Technium on the marina. A few weeks ago, the Technium management had arranged for the installation of a new fence and automatic car park barriers, to allow the building to better control who has access to the offices’ car parking spaces (car parking spaces being a particularly valuable commodity in Aberystwyth). These barriers haven’t come online yet, but apparently they will “soon” (which is regional-government-speak for “someday, maybe”).
Early on the morning of 1st April, I put out an e-mail to all resident companies at the Technium, spoofed so that it appeared to come from Technium management and emulating their writing style and the way that they typically send out bulk messages to the tenants.
Annwyl pawb ,
The key fobs for the new car park barrier system need to be ordered via an online application form . The application needs to be filled in as your key fobs will be uniquely linked to your vehicle.
The application form is only available online at http://www.techniumnetwork.info/aberystwyth/carparking/
Once you have applied, central office will send out the key fobs to us in a week or two. Please fill in the form as soon as possible so that the key fobs all arrive at the same time.
Diolch
Sion
Sion Meredith
Gweithredydd Technium Aberystwyth
Technium Aberystwyth Executive<snip>
The techniumnetwork.info domain name is one that I’d picked up the day before for the best part of 49p on a special offer with a registrar – the real Technium website is at www.technium.co.uk, but I figured that people wouldn’t pay attention to the domain name: even the tenants here probably don’t spend much time, if any at all, on the Technium website. I stole the stylesheet and layout for the official website and adapted it to my purposes: there’s a mirror up now at http://techniumnetwork.scatmania.org/aberystwyth/carparking/ if you want to see for yourself.
The site begins by looking like a genuine application form, asking for all of the key details – your personal and company information, basic details of your car – and slowly starts over many, many pages of forms to ask sillier and sillier questions. “What colour is your car?” is a drop-down with “Red” and “Other” as the only options. “What noise does your car make?” is accompanied by options like “Vroom!” and “Brum-brum.” Later questions ask whether or not your car is capable of transforming into a giant robot and challenge you to correctly identify road signs that have been altered in comedic ways.
The trick worked, and many of the tenants were fooled… some of them well-past the point at which they should have thought the form was genuine; and almost all of them believed, even when they realised that the form was a joke, that it had been set up by the Technium themselves. It was only when one tenant decided to pass a copy of the e-mail on to the real Sion Meredith that the building management heard anything about it, and, sadly, put a stop to it by sending out an e-mail to say that it was all a joke, and not one by them.
After he’d worked out it was me that was behind it… I’d taken steps to make it obvious to anybody who bothered to check up on it, so as to maximise the understanding that it was, in the end, just a joke: the last thing I wanted was some humourless bureaucrat to see this gag (which did, of course, involve feigning the identity of a government employee) as a terrorist threat or something …he got his own back, though. He came up to my office at a few minutes to midday to inform me that he’s had to pass on my details to the Technium legal team, and he managed to make my heart skip a beat before I realised that he, too, was just having a joke.
A selection of feedback so far on the gag after I sent out a “gotcha” e-mail to everybody affected:
I had to leave the room when it first started to catch Simon out: I heard him phoning his wife to ask for a reminder of their cars’ number plates and had to excuse myself so as not to give the game away with my girlish giggling.
So, that was all good, and far more successful than my backup plan which involved passing on missed call messages to co-workers to ask them to return a call to Rory Lyons at Captive Audience on 01244 380280. The number is actually the number for Chester Zoo: I so very nearly made some of the people I work with unwittingly call up Chester Zoo on the morning of April 1st and ask, “Can I speak to Rory Lyons, please?” It’s a good prank, anyway – I’ll save it for another time: or if you want to give it a go (it doesn’t even have to be April Fools’ Day, with a great joke like that), let me know how you get on!
There’s a mailing list I’m on that just got a message that started as follows:
Subject: March 1st – Self-Harm Awareness Day
Just curious…
a) How many of you knew it was self-harm awareness day on March 1st and
b) Are you doing anything to mark it?
<snip>
It’s pretty bad that the first response I thought of was “Yeah, I’ll scratch that date into my arm to make sure I remember it.” Bad, but funny, in a sick and twisted way.
There’s a reason I’m a lurker.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
Because they had weapons of mass destruction.But the inspectors didn’t find any weapons of mass destruction.
That’s because the Iraqis were hiding them.And that’s why we invaded Iraq?
Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.But after we invaded them, we STILL didn’t find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?
That’s because the weapons are so well hidden. Don’t worry, we’ll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?
To use them in a war, silly.I’m confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn’t they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?
Well, obviously they didn’t want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.That doesn’t make sense. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons with which they could have fought back?
It’s a different culture. It’s not supposed to make sense.I don’t know about you, but I don’t think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.
Well, you know, it doesn’t matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.And what was that?
Even if Iraq didn’t have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?
Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.Kind of like what they do in China?
Don’t go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it’s a good country, even if that country tortures people?
Right.Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.Isn’t that exactly what happens in China?
I told you, China is different.What’s the difference between China and Iraq?
Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba’ath party, while China is Communist.Didn’t you once tell me Communists were bad?
No, just Cuban Communists are bad.How are the Cuban Communists bad?
Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.Like in Iraq?
Exactly.And like in China, too?
I told you, China’s a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.How come Cuba isn’t a good economic competitor?
Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn’t that help the Cubans become capitalists?
Don’t be a smart-ass.I didn’t think I was being one.
Well, anyway, they also don’t have freedom of religion in Cuba.Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he’s not really a legitimate leader anyway.What’s a military coup?
That’s when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.Didn’t the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?
You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?
I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.Didn’t you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?
Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.Why did we invade Afghanistan?
Because of what they did to us on September 11th.What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
Well, on September 11th, nineteen men – fifteen of them Saudi Arabians – hijacked our airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.Aren’t the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people’s heads and hands?
Yes, that’s exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people’s heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.Didn’t the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?
Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.Fighting drugs?
Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.How did they do such a good job?
Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.So, when the Taliban cut off people’s heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people’s heads and hands off for other reasons?
Yes. It’s OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people’s hands for growing flowers, but it’s cruel if they cut off people’s hands for stealing bread.Don’t they also cut off people’s hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?
That’s different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.Don’t Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?
No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.What’s the difference?
The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman’s body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman’s body except for her eyes and fingers.It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
Now, don’t go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.
Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.Who trained them?
A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.Was he from Afghanistan?
Uh… no; he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.I seem to recall he was our friend once.
Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?
There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.So the Soviets – I mean, the Russians – are now our friends?
Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we’re mad at them now. We’re also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn’t help us invade Iraq either.So the French and Germans are evil, too?
Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn’t do what we want them to do?
No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.But wasn’t Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
Well, yeah. For a while.Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.Why did that make him our friend?
Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.Isn’t that when he gassed the Kurds?
Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?
Most of the time, yes.And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?
Sometimes that’s true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.Why?
Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America’s side, anyone who opposes war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
YesBut how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.So basically, what you’re saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?
Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night, dear.
This story about the European Space Agency by the BBC reads:
…The Mars Exploration Rovers will touch down in January next year, just after the Europeans arrive with their Marx Express mission in December…
Marx Express? I suppose we should have guessed that the so-called ‘red planet’ was communist.
Wouldn’t the world be so much better a place if Brits had to go through some kind of vetting procedure – a test of sorts – before they were permitted to go on holiday to Ibiza?
An example extract from an interview might be:
Interviewer : Question twelve: if you were to be granted passage to go to Ibiza, how would you spend your time there?
Applicant : I’d dress up as a girl, go out with my mates, get completely wrecked, make unwanted advances towards women, and take the piss out of the locals.
Interviewer : Okay… I’m afraid we’re going to have to decline your application. Have you considered Antarctica?
Wow. Seen the Quake IV Leaked Screenshots [mirror]. Due for release on the last day of the year, based on these stills alone I’d say that it’s going to be something quite spectacular… and will involve a terrier…
Off to work…
Am pulling off a fantastic one against my girlfriend, Claire. On Friday, our landlord arrived with a plumber to replace the leaky taps in our bathroom. The new taps are very similar in design, but significantly taller. I didn’t tell Claire that we have them.
Yesterday – Saturday – night, after washing her hands, she remarked “This is going to sound really weird… but have those taps changed?” I played it cool – after all, these were the same taps we’ve always had, aren’t they? She keeps looking at them in an odd way every time she walks past the bathroom.
Claire’s birthday tomorrow.