How To Run Downloaded Stuff On Your Nintendo DS

14th July 2006: I’ve updated this article with some information on what could be an even easier and more cost-effective way to achieve this effect. Scroll down.
Here’s a guide to what you need to easily be able to run homebrew software like DSLinux on your Nintendo DS or DS Lite. Some things to know:

  • Yes, this could also be used to let you run pirated software too, but I can’t endorse that.
  • I’m fully aware that this isn’t the only way to run homebrew software on your DS, but this is the way I did it, and it works brilliantly for me. Your milage may vary.

You Will Need…

DS With M3 Picture One

I’d promised someone pictures showing exactly how big and chunky this kind of hardware is. Shown above is:

  • A red pen. You don’t need one of these, but I put one on the blurry photograph for a size-comparison.
  • A PassKey2 device like the one shown in the upper-right. Mine is branded “PassCard 3”. Older PassKeys required that you plugged a legitimately-bought game into their top port, but these new ones just plug straight into your Nintendo DS’s “DS” game port. It’s purpose is to make the DS think that a Nintendo-endorsed game is in the device, allowing it to run any code it feels like. Modern ones are needed for the later-version DS’s, including the DS Lite.
  • An M3 Perfect. This is the most recent incarnation of what was the GBA Movie Player. It’s a card reader (mine reads SD Cards, but there’s also a CF version available) that plugs into your DS’s chunky retro Game Boy Advance slot.
  • A flash memory card to put in your M3. Mine, of course, is an SD card. DSLinux weighs in at about 12MB, and games vary in size anywhere up to about 64MB. The more you can fit on your card, the better – particularly if you’re planning on carrying movies or music around with you and using your DS as a glorified MP3 or video player.

You will also need:

  • A PC running Windows. Use a virtual PC at your own risk.
  • The means to write whatever kind of flash card (e.g. SD card) you get, like a USB reader/writer. You might be able to get away with using your digital camera and some kind of link lead, but don’t count on it: a cheap SD reader/writer can be found for under a tenner.
  • The latest M3 Game Manager software.

You Will Do…
DS With M3 Picture Three

The PassCard goes into the DS slot, the flash card goes into the M3, and the M3 goes into the GBA slot, as shown in the picture, above. I’m using a DS Lite, and the M3 sticks out a little way, enough to be unsightly, but not problematic. The DS is upside-down, in case you’re confused. The small blue thing on the right of the M3 (at the top of the DS) is the tip of the SD card. Push gently against it to eject it.

Put the memory card into your PC’s reader, and run the M3 Game Manager software you installed. Select the media type you’re using, when prompted. Navigate to the memory card. Then just click the “Write NDS” button choose the Nintendo DS ROM you want to write. How many you can fit on at once depends on the capacity of the card. The M3 Perfect can handle CF cards up to 1GB and SD cards up to 2GB for the CF and SD varieties of M3, respectively.

DS With M3 Picture Two

Here’s how the DS Lite looks with the M3 Perfect cartridge dangling out of it. Apparently it protudes less on the DS Phat.

Update: 14th July 2006: There May Be An Easier Way…

A friend has just let me know about the NinjaPass. The plain old NinjaPass Media Launcher is just a PassKey2, by the look of things, but the NinjaPass DS Flash is both a PassKey2 (like the PassCard, above) and a flashable memory card (like the M3 Perfect and it’s accompanying memory card). It’s a single-card solution that you copy your ROMs to, put into the NDS slot on your DS Phat or DS Lite, and it just works.

Of course, I’ve not tried the NinjaPass for myself, so your milage may vary. Read some reviews first.

On My Grandma And The Nature Of Time, Space, And Models Of The Universe

I’d hoped to finish writing this post before my gran died so suddenly yesterday, but I guess I was a bit slow. I realised that there were so many changes of tense to be made to make the article make sense that it was actually easier to start again. So I did.

On The Nature Of Models

I have a certain model of the universe and the way it works in my head, just as you do in yours. Some people’s models are more complex than others, and some are more complex in different areas. A great example of model complexity comes from the usage of a car. A great number of people are able to drive a car – they know what pedals to press and what levers and wheels and switches to operate to make the car go faster or slower, to make it turn corners, to park it safely, and to turn on things like the lights, indicators, and windscreen wipers. The majority of these people do not understand – or need to understand – anything beyond the fundamentals of an internal combustion engine, or a car’s electrical system, or the algorithm used to determine if ABS should be activated. This doesn’t make them bad drivers: this makes them bad mechanic… but not everybody wants to be a mechanic.

A mechanic has a somewhat deeper understanding of the car. Technically speaking, being a car mechanic doesn’t necessitate knowing how to drive (although it probably helps with learning the trade and it’s certainly conventional). He knows that if it makes a particular bad noise to replace a particular part, and how to test different components. The car’s owner probably barely looks at the engine, except to appear manly by the roadside after a breakdown by opening the bonnet and staring at it without the slightest comprehension of what is actually wrong, and occassionally to check the oil or refill the water. But the mechanic knows how the car actually works, how the engine powers the wheels and how the mysterious gearbox actually works and why the brakes squeak on old cars and how to pad a bill.

The mechanic probably can’t tell you how the electromagnets in the centrally-controlled door locks or the light-emitting diodes in the dashboard actually work, because that’s into the realm of the physicist, and so on. We all have different models for different subsets of the universe, and the way that it works. And in particular, I’m about to talk about my model of the fundamentals of the universe as a whole.

A Model Of The Universe

My model of the universe is a particularly clinicially scientific one. Like about 4% of the world’s population, I am an atheist – I believe that there are no deities. I am, at the most fundamental levels, a determinist – I believe that with a good enough model everything could be explained and predicted, although I appreciate only one such model of the universe will ever exist, and we’re standing in it. However, my determinist ideas are so fundamental that the question of free will doesn’t really come into it: while, technically, I don’t believe in free will, I also don’t believe that it’s possible to determine with a reasonable degree of certainty either way, which makes my disbelief in free will a matter of faith, rather than of scientific reason.

My model is more simplistic than that of many theoretical physicists: I don’t claim to understand string theory, or spacetime curvature, or any number of other things. For day to day use, my model of gravity is Dan’s Simplified Gravitational Theory, which has one rule: “things fall down” (although at a deeper level, I’m quite happy with the idea that mass attracts other mass, and can comprehend orbits and expansion and stuff). But it’s a well-packaged and strong model without holes, and I’m a firm believer in it. It’s my belief that humans naturally build models in their head to explain the way the world works and make it more predictable. The “things fall down” theory of gravity is more than enough for a spear-throwing caveman to use to catch an animal to skin and eat, and it’s fine for me to go and play frisbee on the beach, but it’s not enough to put a man on the moon. To do that took some far more powerful models of the universe which had been refined by very clever people over hundreds (if not thousands) of years.

For a single paragraph, here, I’ll take what I feel is an intellectual high ground over many theists (particularly, right now, anti-evolutionists), and state that one thing I do like about my model is that it’s malleable by science. When we’re talking about fundamentals like those discussed above, it is, to some degree, a matter of faith and “what feels right” because it’s hard to prove either way whether free will exists, for example (and, in my mind, a pointless exercise anyway). But on other matters, scientific study can really shine. Like many people (atheists and theists alike) I believe that the universe began taking it’s current form after an event long ago called the Big Bang (which is a silly name, because it was neither big – depending on how you define it – nor did it make a bang). Scientists often talk about three key theories about what’ll happen at “the end” of the universe: the Big Crunch (whereby the universe falls back in on itself and collpases into a single, tiny point), the Big Freeze (whereby the universe keeps expanding forever), and a “sweet spot” in-between, and scientists are split on the three. There’s evidence for all three, and, as yet, no consensus. As a philosophically-minded individual, I like to hypothesise about the possibilities, and come to conclusions. My belief is that the universe will eventually collapse into a Big Crunch. It became apparent to me recently, however, through a thought experiment during a conversation, that I had failed to fully grasp a key concept of the Big Freeze and had dismissed it because of this. This lead me to a whole new re-assessment of the possibilities, in which I eventually still settled on the Big Crunch as being the most likely option, in my mind. My model (a loose model, in this case: I don’t think I have enough information about the Big Crunch to argue convincingly that it is certain, it’s just what I suspect) was shaken by new evidence, which caused me to re-assess my position. In this case, as it happens, I came to the same conclusion as before. Nevertheless, I feel that one of the strengths of my model is that it allows itself to be challenged, and broken, and re-assembled. Right; end of anti-blind-faith-rant.

Needless to say, my model does not have space for ghosts or spirits. While I appreciate that these things could exist, I feel that argument for them makes as much sense as argument for unicorns, fairies, aliens “living among us”, and God. I’ll certainly agree that “there are things beyond what we know,” and I hope that always remains the case (the world is full of mysteries, and that makes it beautiful): but I don’t think there’s any reason to jump onto superstitious beliefs to justify them.

So Where Does My Gran Fit In

So you’ve probably noticed the title of this article. Yeah; I’m getting to that.

In the days leading up to my grandma’s death, I’ve engaged in a couple of conversations with Claire about my gran’s beliefs and how they link in with this whole “models of the universe” thing.

For as long as I can remember, my gran would always talk about her children and her grandchildren in a particular way: “I love all of my children and my grandchildren,” she would say, “but Dan is the special one.” This singling out – this thinly-veiled favouritism – caused some embarrasment until it started becoming “just one of those things old people do,” like talking about the war or complaining about the forms of entertainment/dress/communication enjoyed by young people today. I spoke to my gran on a handful of occassions about what she meant by this strange statement, and she would explain: “You’re the one that I’ll talk to after I’m dead.”

As a young child, this filled me with a sense of both dread and pride: dread that “she could be right” (my godless, souless model of the world was not so hard-set as a child as it was once I’d realised that higher-level physics, philosophy, and psychology held a lot of answers that evidenced it) and pride that, if she was, I had been “selected” as the “special one” to receive the “gift” that she believed she had: the gift of talking to the dead.

Her spiritualistic beliefs, though, combined with my skeptical worldview, lead to some conflict. For example, one time I was talking to both my gran and my mum, when my gran was relaying how she intended to communicate with my from beyond the grave (or, as it happens, beyond the grate: she wanted to be cremated):

“You’ve got to look out for bad spirits,” she warned me, “But you’ll know that it’s me that’s talking to you because I’ll call you my little white rabbit.” [a nickname she had for me when I was very young, perhaps because of the intensely blonde hair I sported]

“But that won’t prove anything,” my mum, who is also an excellent skeptic, although I sometimes wonder whether her models are too concrete, and I argued, “Because I could now imagine I’d heard that. What you need to do, to prove that it’s you, if you’re right, is to tell me something that I couldn’t possibly have known otherwise: something that you hadn’t told me before you died, but which we could later verify.”

It took a little while to explain this concept to her, and we gave her an example of some information that we didn’t know, but that she did and we could potentially find out after her death, if necessary. “Oh, that’s easy,” she said, and promptly told us the information. It seemed that she hadn’t quite grasped the concept at all. So, we had a few more drinks and left the conversation to finish another time.

My gran’s raving spiritualism rarely got in the way of anybody. Sure, she made me promise never to use a Ouija board (she had a particularly terrifying experience while using one and since decided that they were dangerous) and there was that one time she argued with her grandma about fireworks, upsetting my sisters, but in general, she seemed to appreciate that her beliefs were hers and not those of many others.

Models, Meet Grandma; Grandma, Models

And so we come full circle back to mental models, and my conversations with Claire. We were saying about how having such well-defined and rarely-challenged mental models of the universe as we do is, in a way, a boring stagnation. It’s rare, these days, for our models to be challenged by anything that can not be (very easily) explained, and that’s uninteresting (I disagree with Claire that it made the world boring, because there’s still plenty of mystery left that lacks any conclusive evidence whatsoever), and we came on, in the days before my grandma died, to discussing her curious prophecy that she’ll continue to talk to me from the afterlife.

And so, the skeptics that we are, we came up with a suite of experiments to help provide evidence for or against any voices that I hear, dreams I have, or whatever, actually being my post-death grandmother. I don’t believe it for a moment, but I wouldn’t be a very good skeptic if I wasn’t skeptical about my own beliefs, too. We came up with well defined hypotheses for different scenarios and sensible ways to collate information. It’s kind of interesting to develop experiments to test data that you never expect to obtain for a hypothesis you don’t believe in, but it’s the nature of science to question things, and, even if the only evidence so far is that “my gran said it”, our construction of a virtual laboratory in which to test a crazy theory (if the data is ever delivered) made a long car journey quite a lot more enjoyable.

And honestly; it’d be as interesting to prove as to disprove. Now all I need is to start hallucinating.

Out Of Town Again

My gran’s condition is only getting worse, so Claire and I are going to skip town for a few days and go up there to join my mum and visit her in hospital. Claire is an absolute star and offering to drive me around the country. It means quite a bit to me to be able to visit my gran now.
If you were planning on visiting us during graduation week, we apologise for our absence. If you were planning on staying with us, be advised that Jimmy has the keys to The Cottage and will let you in, and there’ll be a note therein with information on sleeping arrangements and stuff.

We’ll probably be back in town on Thursday, give or take a day: there’s urgent work at SmartData I’ll be doing at the weekend if it doesn’t get done this week – such is the nature of the software engineering trade.

Right, off we go…

Getting Your Money’s Worth On Pizza Hut Salads

I’ve always enjoyed free food at pizza places. On my 16th birthday, I went to Winston’s Pizza in Preston for their lunchtime buffet “all you can eat” deal. We took board games. Four hours (and many, many slices of pizza and bottles of beer) later, we were finally thrown out: the manager let us have the food and even the drinks for free in exchange for us leaving. That was a fab birthday party.

Once, I got a free meal from Pizza Hut when they used to do their “food in 10 minutes or it’s free” deal. The timers are tamper-proof, so the trick is ensuring that the waitstaff get distracted by something on the way back to your table. They don’t do that special offer any more. I wonder why?

But here’s somebody who really takes the biscuit. Well; the salad, anyway. A number of particularly creative Taiwanese students have found the way to maximise their ROI at Pizza Hut, using their engineering inginuity to fill a salad bowl (without spilling) to over a foot high. Well worth a look.

A Question Of Honour

If your girlfriend and your sister are in a fight, who are you supposed to defend?

That’s one of the many questions that went through my mind on Saturday at Houghton Tower’s orchestra and fireworks display. It was the usual affair of music and fireworks and excessive patriotism, dampened only by the dampening effect of the rain leaking through our gazebo. I made the mistake of wearing sandals, and got very cold and wet until I’d drunk a sufficient quantity of white wine that I couldn’t feel the pain any more. My mum managed to run into an ankle-high wooden post and trip over, sustaining no injuries – but when her boyfriend, Andy, ran to aid her, he tripped over the same post and broke a bone in his hand.

The night seemed shorter than usual. The band just seemed to pack up and go home, without even playing the national anthem, as they usually do to finish (we all sang “God Save The Aubergine” as loudly as we could to try to give them the hint, but all we achieved was the infuriation of some nearby flag-wavers). Nonetheless, the music and the fireworks were great.

We’re back in town now, but we’re likely to be away again towards the tail end of my week. My gran, who was taken into hospital last week, has now been diagnosed with an advanced lung cancer which has spread to her liver: nobody’s yet said how long they expect her to live, but we’re probably looking at a number of weeks that can be counted on your fingers… less, if she continues to insist that the hospital are trying to kill her and refusing medication. My mum’s going up there mid-week and we’re hoping to join her by the weekend, all other things permitting. Apologies to the Troma Night folks, again.

Fun With A Nintendo DS

This post starts very geeky, but becomes about computer games later on. Feel free to scroll down three paragraphs if you like computer games but don’t like computer hardware hacking.
My M3 Perfect and some related hardware arrived today. Basically, it’s a SD card reader that plugs into a Game Boy Advance slot (which are found on not only the Game Boy Advance series but also the Nintendo DS). By itself, it allows a Nintendo DS (or a DS Lite, as my new toy is) to play music, videos, etc. But combined with an Passcard (also arrived this morning), it allows backup games and homebrew software to be easily loaded onto the device.

Within minutes, I had DSLinux, a Linux distribution for the Nintendo DS, working. It felt immensely cool to be typing at a Bash shell using my DS stylus. I couldn’t get the wireless internet connection working, though – the drivers kept failing to load, which is probably either a result of (a) the DS Lite possibly having different firmware for interfacing with the network subsystem or (b) the M3 Perfect I got is the SD card edition, rather than the CF edition, which is better supported by DSLinux. I chose the SD card edition despite it being a few pounds more expensive because it’s slightly smaller (and therefore doesn’t stick out of the side of my handheld in such an unslightly way as the CF one would have) and because I can potentially fit more onto a SD card (although the only SD card I own is 1Gb, the same size as the largest CF card the M3 can take). In any case, both possibilities sound equally unlikely: further investigation will ensure.

The ultimate aim of this little project is to get a graphical VNC client for the DS (take a look at that screenshot!) running, or some other remote control, so I can take full control of my desktop PC, wirelessly, from, like, my bed. Or from the couch. Or from and wireless internet hotspot anywhere that somebody hasn’t secured properly. Toy.

But the other benefit of this little purchase is the ability to, how shall we say, “try before I buy” Nintendo DS games. I’ve spent quite some time today playing the stunning Trauma Center: Under The Knife. It hasn’t been since Half-Life 2 that I’ve played a computer game that genuinely made me jump with fright.

This isn’t Theme Hospital. This is Life and Death (for those of you too young to remember, this was a stunning late-80s  “Sim Surgeon”). Starting as a junior surgeon, you’ll remove benign tumours, treat laceration injuries, and laser off polyps. The whole things starts with a very “hold your hand” approach, but the learning curve is steep. Within 25 minutes of play you’ll be performing surgery within the chest cavity of car crash victims when something goes wrong (their heart stops, or their symptoms severely exacerbate, or it turns out there’s something more seriously wrong with them) and you’ve got nobody there to help you: you have to work alone.

It’s dark and cold and hard. Very hard. I struggled to keep up with the pace and had to re-attempt some of the levels (such as the brutal on early in the second chapter in which I had to remove aneurisms from the arteries of the intestines, and they just kept exploding on me, showering blood everywhere and destabilising the patient’s condition) several times. Nonetheless, I had great fun watching Claire replay those levels, on the edge of my seat whenever I knew something was about to go terribly wrong. Contrary to the image Nintendo sometimes convey: this is not a game for kids.
Another game I’ve enjoyed trying out is Mario & Luigi: Partners In Time, which plays a lot like Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door, but with semi-independent simultaneous control over up to four (Mario, Luigi, Mario’s younger self, Luigi’s younger self) different characters. Yes, at the same time. Yes, that fucks with your head. Quite quickly.

Then there’s Super Princess Peach, a platform game in which Peach uses the power of mood swings (I kid you not – she fluctuates between singing, crying, and breathing fire, just like a real woman) in order to get her way. And Super Monkey Ball Touch & Roll, more stupid puzzle game fun…
It’s not all piracy (although at least a little bit ethically – we’ll buy legitimate copies of the good stuff, almost certainly including Trauma Center) of stuff I could have bought at my local Game: I’ve also had a great deal of fun with Electroplankton, for which a release outside of Japan is still promised, but sadly absent. Electroplankton is a software toy in the truest sense of the word. The player manipulates the movement of musical plankton in order to generate what can just about be described as music. I came home and hooked it up to the stereo and Claire and I had great fun for some time, playing with the different plankton and trying to discover how they all “worked”. And I’m also looking forward to giving some of the Naruto games (which’ll probably never be released outside of Japan) a go.

Umm… About Troma Night (Plus: Last Night’s Dream)

Oh yeah; Claire and I won’t be around this weekend: we’re off to Houghton Tower again (again!) for classical music and fireworks from the comfort of a gazebo, which we’ve recently started pronouncing “gay’s bow”. The net result is that Troma Night won’t be at The Cottage – if somebody else wants to host it they can.

I had a strange dream last night: I was training to be a paratrooper in a women’s paratrooper division (do they have any of those?). I was already a woman, of course. I only remember snippets of it, including the training being particularly harsh. Very odd. Odder still, I have a strange feeling that I’ve had the same dream before, years ago, and had forgotten it.

Dan’s Lazy Beef Stroganoff

Another recipe for you all. This experimental stroganoff worked well, so I thought you might enjoy it too. I’ve no doubt it could be multiplied up wonderfully to serve more people.
Dan’s Lazy Beef Stroganoff

Serves: 2-3

Ingredients

  • 2 medium-sized sirloin steaks, thinly sliced (use a very sharp knife and try to cut slices no larger than your little finger)
  • 1 large onion, diced
  • 100g fresh mushrooms, thinly sliced
  • 100g fresh mushrooms, diced
  • Small tub (~225g?) sour cream
  • Butter
  • Black pepper
  • 3/4 level teaspoon ground nutmeg
  • (optional but really tasty) Sherry

Method

  1. Put two tablespoons of butter in a large frying pan over a medium to high heat and allow to melt. Add the beef and gently fry until browned, adding freshly-ground pepper. Transfer the beef to a bowl.
  2. Add the onion to the pan and gently fry in the remaining butter and beef fat until fully softened. Add the onion to the bowl of beef.
  3. Adding more butter if necessary, fry the mushrooms until very soft.
  4. Add the sour cream and stir thoroughly to form a sauce of uniform colour.
  5. Liberally grind pepper into the sauce, and stir in the nutmeg.
  6. Optionally, add a splash (about half a glass) of sherry into the sauce. This’ll add a fantastic fruitiness to the finished dish. Or you could try rubbing the beef with sherry or perhaps even port before cooking – just a thought.
  7. Return the onions and beef to the pan and gently simmer together for about ten minutes, to allow the flavours to be absorbed.
  8. Serve poured over tagliatelle verdi and with an accompanying green salad.

Hope it turns out as delicious for you as it did for me.

And The Meme Goes On

I promised a few people I’d do this meme with them, you see…

In case you’d forgotten, here are the things I’m writing about:

  1. I’ll respond with something random about you (it’ll probably be something particularly random, because it’ll be the first thing I thought of – it may or may not be pleasant).
  2. I’ll challenge you to try something (I’ve tried to think of something for everybody, but it’s not always easy).
  3. I’ll pick a colour that I associate with you (don’t read too much into this – if you think I’ve chosen wrong, yours was the one I picked at random from a hat: for the rest of you, there was a long and complicated cognitive process involved in selecting your colour, and you should appreciate it).
  4. I’ll tell you something I like about you (not too hard, ‘cos I like everybody who asked me to fill this thing in).
  5. I’ll tell you my first or clearest memory of you (I’ve just used this space, in a few cases, to tell an interesting story or anecdote about us: you may or may not approve, but that was the risk you took when you signed up for this meme).
  6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of (like the colour thing, a great deal of thought went into this, unless you think I made a bad choice, in which case you must be the one person I picked at random, which may or may not be the same person I picked a colour at random for).
  7. I’ll ask you something I’ve always wanted to ask you (this was tough, because I’d usually have asked you already, and, moreover, if not, the questions I ask say as much about me as the answers you may or may not give. I’ve tried to make the questions at least two of three out of thought-provoking, genuine, and funny… and I would appreciate answers: by e-mail or if you dare, as a comment – go for it…).

Jon

  1. You and Hayley are quite a remarkable couple. Despite your obvious differences you get on in a wonderful way and I’m continually impressed with the seriousness with which you take her (by comparison to, for example, most everything else you do).
  2. Here’s your challenge: try to work out exactly how much money you would need to be earning to be completely happy with it. I’m sure that we can both agree that, for all intents and purposes, it doesn’t matter if you earn seven or eight billion pounds per year: but at what point would there be a difference.
  3. Yellow.
  4. In four-letter words, you have a cheeky schoolboy charm – when you swear, it’s like you know it’s a dirty word and the teachers might hear you, but you’re one of the hard lads and you’re going to say it anyway. It’s a reminder that you don’t have to be young to enjoy youth… every time I see you and Paul calling each other “cockbags” or whatever on #RockMonkey.
  5. Dan and Jon at The BayCertainly far from my first or my clearest (thanks to the alcohol) memory of you, but one that’s certainly worth sharing: we went out with a group of people to The Bay and got at least moderately drunk. Andy was looking melancholy. Claire was drunkenly rambling to anyone and everyone – but particularly Sian – some deep philosophical concept that you probably had to be both Claire and drunk to understand, and you and me sat quietly in the corner and chatted about all kinds of crap. In particular, you were trying to persuade me to join you for a weekend-long “party drugs” session, after which I’d “really connect to the world and just know how much I loved everybody”, which I don’t doubt for a moment. Whatever you’d been drinking all evening must have kicked in by about midnight, when you suggested that it was “inevitable” that one day we’d “live together and have sex.” I don’t know if you were just stupidly drunk and saying whatever came into your head and I don’t know if you remember saying all that… and I certainly don’t know if you’ll admit it if you do remember it, but it was both amusing and sweet, and on a drunken level in the corner of The Bay, between our many silly ramblings of the evening, we reached a connection we that our combined arrogances had previously kept us from. The picture to the right is from that evening.
  6. Chimpanzee.
  7. If you were elected to the position of librarian for the hypothetical library of all of the pornography in the world, and you had to go about categorising it – coming up with a kind of Dewey decimal system for porn, if you will – where would you start? What properties would you sort on first, and why? And what colour would the library cards be?

Incidently, Jon: no, my comment authentication system only has one (non-original) goatse.cx picture, and I don’t seem to get it. It seems the RNG favours you: perhaps somebody rigged it by IP address? Nah.

Matt In The HatMatt (of the In The Hat variety)

  1. You’re a man of high highs and low lows, but it seems to me that you need to better understand the relationship between them in order to be better able to be yourself without thinking that you’re being yourself when you’re not. Instructions for understanding that sentence are as follows: first, pour yourself a glass of vodka (or another strong spirit). Second, read the sentence. One of three things will happen: you might come to understand the sentence as a great philosophical truth and you’ll believe you know what I’m talking about, when in fact you don’t, or you might break down into tears because the world is such a shitty place and I’m just rubbing your face in it. If either of these two options are reached, you’ve succeeded – or come as close to it as possible. The third option is “anything else.” In this case, return to step one, pour yourself another shot, and repeat.
  2. Here’s your challenge(s): (1) Grow your hair back, damnit. (2) Let not a second be wasted until you’re on the track to doing something that makes you happy, damnit! (3) Don’t let your blog get out of date when you’re going to jump country next time, damnit! (4) Come visit us sometime, damnit!
  3. Light blue.
  4. Of all of the theists I know, you’re among the top 10 most rational, from my heathen atheist point of view. This takes some doing; be pleased with it. This actually is a compliment. What, you want a better one? Okay, you’re also a very good comedian who looks great even when he’s quite blatantly (or should be!) shitting himself in front of a hostile crowd.
  5. An early memory of meeting you would be at the very first Troma Night you attended. We’d only met you earlier that weekend, and we’d not meant to invite you to Troma Night (particularly as it was going to be an unusual Troma Night, in which we planned to watch, in order, almost every episode of Futurama ever made, back-to-back). You came and you watched, only slightly scared-looking, through the entire evening, until only you and a few others remained (I’d gone to bed in the next room, but hadn’t managed to go to sleep and could hear quite clearly the remainder of the series and the conversation around it). For a first time Troma Night attendee, that was pretty hardcore, but I found myself wondering for some time thereafter whether or not you might have only stayed because you felt intimidated to.
  6. Meercat.
  7. What would it take to get you back to Aber?

Sian

  1. Of all the time I’ve known you, you’ve gone from being a meek, quiet, shy girl to a meek, quiet, shy woman. But at least the latter isn’t as meek or shy as the former. Nonetheless, you’ve always seemed to hide more than you show, conveying a sense of mystery which is only slightly dented by an opposing sense of undue dippiness.
  2. A challenge for you: knit something that has a purpose other than clothing, pure decoration, or a toy. Suggestions to get you started: housing, container for electronic equipment (e.g. PC case), abacus, measuring device. Failing that, I’ve another knitting-related challenge for you: learn to program in C.
  3. Red.
  4. You sit in the background most of the time, interrupting only to give either very witty or very intelligent comments that tend to take folks (well, me at least) by surprise (like when Bryn manages to get a joke right first time, it’s a pleasant kind of surprise). Plus, BTW, you’re hot.
  5. Sian and othersYou know; I can’t remember enough about meeting you to give a very good answer to this question: at the time, I was paying far too much attention to the bigger, louder people around you, and not enough to you. But I do recall the time (picture, right, taken a few hours earlier) that, in The Flat, I tied Paul to a chair and gagged him with your bra. Meanwhile, you tortured Adam with incessant stroking, taking over for Claire who by this point – or not long after – was licking Alec‘s nipples.). Ah; the silly nights-in that happened at The Flat…
  6. Crow.
  7. At what point did you decide you wanted to be with Andy?

Binky

  1. Binky distillingYou deserve more sex than you’re getting. Maybe we should set up a Sleep With Jimmy page on RockMonkey to centralise efforts to help you get laid.
  2. Your challenge: distill something with success (measured as being the resulting product is superior that the original, by a measurement like “average of the change of the qualities of drinkability and ABV”). Don’t give up on it: you’ve got all the gear now, and I’d love to see something that isn’t either (a) ham-flavoured [sorry], (b) of the consistency of rice pudding (c) from Lidl vodka [ick!] come out of it.
  3. Black.
  4. You come up with some of the craziest ideas, particularly as part of your strange money-saving plans – from growing your own food in a window box and hunting for clams in the river to brewing and distilling your own sake, you always seem to have some strange scheme underway. Plus, you share your name with a former president of the USA, which is cool.
  5. A clear memory of you… would be at a particular fire we had at the Northernmost end of North Beach here in Aberystwyth. The fire was starting to calm down a bit from the inferno it had been before, and you decided to add a little accelerant in the form of petrol. So you picked up the petrol can and poured some on, and therein lay the problem. There is a technique, as I’m sure you’ve since discovered, of flicking petrol from a can onto a fire in order to give it an exciting burst of flames but without providing a lovely flammable path between the inferno and your hand. The flames shot up the petrol vapours and lit the top of the petrol can, burning the vapours as they escaped like an oil lamp. But better yet: you didn’t notice. You carried on wandering around, holding in your hand a flaming petrol can. The danger, I agree, was minimal: an open plastic can wouldn’t be likely to explode, certainly not violently, but it could potentially spray or spit burning fuel onto clothes or hair if left un-noticed. Claire and I had noticed, and we pointed and shouted to get your attention. Eventually, you looked down, and noticed the combustion occurring near your knuckles, and at this point, you did the most effeminate thing I’ve ever seen you do. You made a noise that can only be described as a squeak, jumped, and flung the petrol can over your shoulder and across the beach, which spun and flailed in the air throwing burning petrol in all directions and forming many small puddles of fire across the stones and on the surface of the sea.
    Paul wasn’t so original – but was even more effeminate – when he later did the same thing.
  6. A cat, of course!
  7. If you were to suddenly be hit with a burst of epsilon rays – the mythical kind of ray that renders human brains incapable of understanding any more than the most mundane of physics – and were unable to continue with your degree, what would you do with your life?

Big Gay Adam

  1. You’re an enormous poofter with a penchant for classic British television and the largest DVD & video collection I have ever seen outside of a medium or larger sized video store. For those who haven’t witnessed it: it covers the majority of his living room wall, stacked with the spines of the cases facing outwards. Plus, you know it inside-out: it’s quite possible to name a Dr. Who episode or a Carry On film and have you walk straight to it and pick it up.
  2. Your challenge: quit your job and get a new one. Nobody deserves to be expected to do “34 hours of unpaid work for a company [they] don’t really like”, and no matter how you justify it to yourself, you could be doing better.
  3. Pink.
  4. You take – or appear to take – criticism admirably well (which is particularly valuable among most of the miscreants I’m found with): laughing off digs but taking genuine concern for any more serious matters brought to you.
  5. A very early memory of you would be when I attended a training session you were running on… listening skills or something like that: I wasn’t paying attention you seemed delighted to have been let loose with a flipchart and marker pens, and you were making full use of the space available to you despite your tendency to write sideways on vertical surfaces after a few words (freakin’ lefty). I recall that somebody else in the group answered one of your questions in a particularly cocky manner: “Couldn’t the answer be anything… or everything?” and you just wrote both words: “anything” and “everything” in huge letters across the middle of everything else you’d written and carried on.
  6. Stick insect.
  7. Suppose you were the manager of your falling-apart workplace: how would you fix it?

Beth

  1. Something random; okay – of all of the people I’m doing this meme for, you’re the one for whom finding something random to say about them is the hardest.
  2. A challenge for you: when you get yourself back to Aber, get yourself along to Troma Night once in a while (or Geek Night, or whatever your poison is): we never see you!
  3. Green.
  4. You’re friendly and pleasant and you put up with us all very well, considering what we’re all like.
  5. It wasn’t long after I met you that a group of us went to The Bay and you were blatantly hitting on Jimmy – and certainly getting a response: even getting him to dance, which is a rarity. Although, as we’ve all been told, “nothing happened,” right after we met you you kicked off a lot of speculation within our little social circle as the spectators saw a slightly-confused, slightly-scared looking Jimmy get dragged away by you.
  6. Wallaby.
  7. It’ll be implicit if you do this meme next, but otherwise: what are your first or clearest memories of myself, Claire, Jimmy, and the rest of the gang

Matt P

  1. Matt the pirateYou’re a graduate, a fencer, and a care worker with a charming curiosity and a slightly-imaginary girlfriend. And like so many of us, you’ve gotten yourself trapped in AberWorld. Better yet, you’ve found an excuse to stay for another year!
  2. Your challenge: stop apologising for yourself! You’re great and we like spending time with you, even when you’ve had a shitty day.
  3. Maroon.
  4. You’re a fascinating conversationalist, always full of interesting ideas and always seem curious and happy to discover more about the world and the interests of those around you.
  5. I’m getting old. I can tell, because for so many of the people I’m writing about in this list, I can’t even slightly remember first meeting them. What do I remember clearly about times spent with you? I remember many occasions on which we’ve both found ourselves out of The Game. I remember helping you move house twice in one week, last month! I remember all kinds of things we’ve gotten up to (such as the time you, both bravely and stupidly, agreed to do our washing up in exchange for the use of our washing machine), but picking out one that’s the clearest is an exercise in futility.
  6. Chipmunk.
  7. In his paper “A Designer Universe?”, Steven Weinberg writes “With or without religion, good people can behave well and bad people can do evil; but for good people to do evil—that takes religion.” Discuss. [33 marks]

Paul

  1. Paul, drunkOf all the people I know, you are the single most likely to be hit by a meteorite. You are the living embodiment of the ghost that steals socks from the washing machine. You are the eighth face on every seven-sided die. You are the number that /dev/random is afraid to say. You are the sugar that dissolves in absinthe. If aliens invade earth, you’ll be the one who insists they try some tofu. At the bottom of the oceans are creatures that are so adapted to the intense water pressure and low visibility that have no concept of gravity or vision, but they still have the capacity to dream… and when they dream, they dream of you.
  2. A challenge: learn to make fresh noodles.
  3. Lime green.
  4. You’re very… thorough, to the point of being a little perfectionistic: you ensure we all know about and insist that we see the very best (and very worst) films, and plan events like Troma Night to sometimes meticulous detail.
  5. Here’s a curious memory that sprung to mind. We’d gone to Central Fish Restaurant to buy some food: I ordered fish & chips for each of Claire and I, and then stepped aside to let you get to the counter. You ordered a fishcake and chips, which confused me at least a little because (apart from eating pepperoni pizza, which was a curious but obvious exception to your non-eating of meat) you’d always appeared to be a vegetarian. I quizzed you on this: “My mum called me up,” you said, “And insisted that I ate some fish.” I replied, suggesting that you could just tell her that you ate fish, if you so want to please her but not change your eating habits. “She’d know,” you responded. Having since met her a few times, I believe you’re right.
    The other event I remember is when you first threw a sponge out of the window of The Flat at Troma Night, and the accompanying looks of confusion from everybody else present.
  6. Leucochloridium paradoxum.
  7. We all know what your (rather unusual) favourite number is. The question is: why?

Bryn

  1. Bryn, the wand-weilding axe-murdererYou know more about the Battle of Stalingrad than almost anybody alive. I recall that once, Claire asked you a simple and innocuous question about the Western front – the kind of question that could be answered with a single sentence. About 15 minutes later (and without having stopped for breath) you’d given us the quantity of information we’d have expected from a lecture on the subject, including showing us several maps and illustrating them with troop formations and strategic points. While it wasn’t what she was looking for, I’m sure we both found it fascinating.
  2. Here’s your challenge: learn Ruby! You know you want to!
  3. Brown.
  4. You’re always willing to help: whether you’re needed for something practical (“move this for me”, “write me some code that does X”) or something somewhat soppier (“I’ve had a shit day – join me for a drink?”), you always make time for your friends.
  5. I don’t remember meeting you for the first time – it’ll probably have been shortly after you moved into your room in Penbryn – but Claire always tells an interesting story about the things you got up to in halls. I’ll leave that for her to relate…
    But I do remember one occasion when the pair of us, pissed off with Claire and Paul‘s perpetual arguing in The Flat, retreated to Kanes’ and drank whiskey and complained about them until they sorted themselves out, noticed we’d gone, and phoned us up to let us know they’d started behaving themselves.
  6. Elephant.
  7. And a question: what are the three most important factors to you in choosing an operating system for home use?

Andy K

  1. As an Earth Scientist called Andy, you’re the perfect target for a game of “Andy, Andy: what kind of rock is that?” As you go by the alias “RockMonkey”, you’re also a great target for the Kick The RockMonkey Game on #RockMonkey.
  2. A challenge for you? Sure. How about: try to squeeze yourself and one other person onto a small inflatable bed in the living room of The Cottage some time later this month. Oh yeah; you’re already going to be doing that, aren’t you…
  3. White.
  4. You’ll lend a hand to moving house at a moment’s notice and work for hours on only a pint of shandy and a few chips. Damn, I love people like that when I’m moving house.
  5. Andy being tickledI remember how ticklish you are. And I remember the night that you were ruthlessly (well; Ruth was there, actually) tickled for hours on end by a pair of drunken girls. There’s a picture to the right if you need a reminder.
  6. Mole.
  7. Here’s a question for you: are you ever going to finish any of the WikiGames you’ve started? Ever?

Faye

  1. You’re a cheerleader and a geneticist and you’ve introduced Andy to a life of sin that he won’t soon regret.
  2. A challenge: descend through all 50+ levels of the dungeons of doom, defeat Rodney, and retrieve the Amulet of Yendor, as a tourist, without wishing, praying, reading or eating.
  3. Purple.
  4. Almost every sentence you say could be preceded with “Or, even better…”, and, usually, whatever you say immediately thereafter is even better. Admittedly, if you’re following up one of Bryn‘s gags, that’s Faye is on the right not hard, but even where it is more challenging, you always have a humorous finish to an idea.
  5. Here’s a memory I dredged up… of Ruth‘s 21st birthday and Halloween party. You wore as little as you could probably legally get away with. In latex. In case you’ve forgotten, I’ve linked in a picture to the right. In particular, I like the look on Andy‘s face, sat there next to you.
  6. Kookaburra.
  7. And finally, a question: if you had the chance to give your life a second go, and, in a moment of infinite power and knowledge at the moment of conception, you could change one thing about your genetic structure (gender, eye colour, hair colour, susceptibility to diseases, whatever else); what would you change or, if nothing, what would you consider changing?

JTA

  1. JTA as TregardWhat do I need to do to say something random about you? You dress like you were born 100 years too late and carry round keys sufficient to unlock anything from a castle to an office block. You’re a recent English graduate but frequently act more like a Computer Scientist. Oh; and I feel like I have half of you possessions in my utility room.
  2. Your challenge is as follows: get a job. To begin with, any job will do. It’ll keep you out of trouble, earning money, and somewhat cheerier. If you’re qualified for something, apply. If you’re almost qualified, apply anyway: interviews are worth their weight in saffron. Secondly, get a job you can enjoy. That you’re already in work looks far better to a prospective employee than if you aren’t. You’re still young and you’ve got plenty of time to make career mistakes that you can fix.
  3. Racing green.
  4. You have a fantastic temper which you keep carefully bottled away and of which you draw out only a little at a time and only where it is genuinely justly deserved. Conversely, your devotion to the things you love and care about is equally inspiring.
  5. Of particular note, I remember the point on the first day of last year’s Abnib Real Ale Ramble when we, ahead of Claire and Jimmy, reached the summit of the first long climb (just before lunch), and peered out over the clouds rolling out of the valleys ahead of us. It was all remarkably still and clear and the pint I’d drunk not 20 minutes earlier was just beginning to kick in. Marvellous.
    Not as great a story as the cold of the second day, but came to my head sooner.
  6. Ruffed lemur.
  7. And the obligatory question: How’re you doing?

Andy R

  1. You’re an English graduate and a talented singer/songwriter/musician/stuff. You could be described as a music fascist, as you’ve implied on several occasions that unlike you, most people who claim to enjoy music don’t know what music should actually be like. That said, some of your music and the music of some of the artists you’ve recommended on your blog have been quite eye-opening, so fascist that you might be, you’re not all wrong.
  2. Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to write and record a song about blog culture and memes.
  3. Silver.
  4. You’re not afraid to laugh at something funny just because it’s sad, and you’re not afraid to cry at something sad just because it’s wrapped in cotton wool.
  5. The first and most prominent memory that comes to mind is of the heartbreaking speech you gave at your 21st (it was your 21st, right?) birthday party, in which you thanked everybody who’d come and talked a little about how much it meant to you that your parents were both able to be there, together, to celebrate with you. Then I threw a breaded garlic mushroom into Alec‘s eye (I was aiming for Sian‘s cleavage; honest!) and almost blinded him (bet you thought he was brought to tears by your speech, but no, it was garlic in his peeper). Great party, too.
  6. Otter.
  7. Oh yeah, a question: Have you got a job yet? If so, what are you doing and why haven’t you posted it to your blog yet? Reading about everybody else’s workday is the best way in the world to waste away mine.

If I missed you because you were late, you can still put your name down and I might just do you, too, but don’t count on it. I hope I haven’t offended anybody too badly, and I hope I haven’t embarrassed anybody any more than I meant to… it’s been a fun little meme, but it was a lot more work than I expected. Still; I’m glad to see that several other people have begun doing it, too, and I’ll enjoy getting my own back by commenting on their “invitation to apply” message thing. Plus, I’m looking forward to seeing how other people interpret the challenge and what they all write about me and about each other.

If I’ve asked you a question, I’d quite like an answer: leave a comment if you’re brave, send an e-mail if you’re not, don’t send an e-mail if you’re very-not. Oh; and if I’ve given you a challenge, don’t take it too seriously. Or do. Both good.

Update 27 February 2019: Matt had a go at this soon after and I shared my recent thoughts.

I’m Not One For Memes, But…

As you probably know, I’m not a huge fan of most of the memes that float around Blogland (Abnib, etc.), and generally steer clear. But I did this one on Faye‘s blog, and thought I ought to pass it on.

What you do:

  1. Leave a comment. You get to click on a kitten and everything.
  2. Put this on your own blog, later. Or don’t.

What I do:

  1. I’ll respond with something random about you (with most of you lot out there, it shouldn’t be hard).
  2. I’ll challenge you to try something (it might even be something pleasant).
  3. I’ll pick a colour that I associate with you (fuck knows why – bloody wooly questions).
  4. I’ll tell you something I like about you (aww).
  5. I’ll tell you my first or clearest memory of you (if I’m not too drunk to remember anything).
  6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of (yay, another stupidly wooly question).
  7. I’ll ask you something I’ve always wanted to ask you (if there is anything!).

UPDATE: Monday 3rd July 2006, 21:43: I’ve had comments from Jon, Matt, Sian, Binky, Adam and Beth, and I’ve started writing responses. If you can get a comment in before I finish writing the responses, I’ll do you (ahem) at the same time. If you’re late, I’ll do you later. Should have these first lot finished (assuming I’m not suddenly swamped with comments) either tonight (if Mario fails to distract me) or tomorrow (if he succeeds). If you want in, get your comment in.

UPDATE: Monday 3rd July 2006, 22:38: Other Matt is in, too.

UPDATE: Tuesday 4th July 2006, 00:16: Well, I’m not going to finish all of these by tonight: I’ve done Jon, Matt, Sian, and most of Binky. I’m yet to start Adam, Beth and Other Matt. And Bryn’s hinted that he might be putting his name down, too. [sob] Ah well; I brought this upon myself. I’ll try to get them out during my lunch break. My response to everything received by that point will appear in a new blog post. I apologise in advance to Abnib readers who don’t want to have their screen cluttered by the whole thing; however, I give no apologies for any embarrasment caused to folks who brought it upon themselves by putting their name below knowing that I’ll be responding with things like “something random about [them]” and “my first or clearest memory of [them]”

UPDATE: Tuesday 4th July 2006, 11:13: Making progress again, but people keep adding themselves to the list! Paul, Bryn, Andy K and Faye are now on the list. I’m working through them all in a pretty random manner: almost everybody’s animals and colours are done, I’ve completed everybody up to and including Beth, and Matt P’s mostly done.

UPDATE: Tuesday 4th July 2006, 14:54: JTA’s on the list. Only him, Faye, Andy K and Bryn left to finish, and most of them have been started.

UPDATE: Tuesday 4th July 2006, 17:48: Andy R’s joined the party. I’ve got JTA to finish, and Andy R to do. This turns out to be harder work that I first imagined. I’m impressed that, having seen what it’s taking, Matt R’s giving it a go too (so… go harrass him as well!).

UPDATE: Tuesday 4th July 2006, 19:12: A 40-minute Aberystwyth-wide power cut slowed down my progress, as well as eating some of it, this evening, but I’m ready to push on for the final stretch now. In addition, the following people have begin their follow-ups: Andy R and Andy K.

UPDATE: Tuesday 4th July 2006, 19:48: Well; that’s everybody done. I’ll be making a blogpost of the responses to you all in the next few minutes (I’m glad to see this meme is already spreading: I’ve put my name in a few comments and I’m looking forward to seeing other people’s responses back to me). If you missed it and you leave a comment “late” I might still “do you”, if I can be bothered. Right… off to post the responses…

Coming To Brum?

Those of you coming to Birmingham, be aware! After much debating on Paul‘s blog, it’s been kinda-somewhat agreed that we will gather at The Cottage at 9:20am. We’re currently looking at me, Paul, Claire, Rory and probably Suz. Bryn and Heather have also expressed an interest in coming, which’d be great not only because they’re fabulous and we like spending time with them but because they’d bring an extra car, too.

Hospitals

My Gran’s been taken into hospital: we could’ve seen that coming when we visited while up that end of the country for my cousin’s wedding. She’d protested about the possibility of being admitted then, stating that “she’d been in hospital three times before and they hadn’t managed to kill her yet,” which is an interesting attitude to take. Nonetheless, she’s not in a particularly good state. We shall have to see.

And… my co-worker, Alex, didn’t come in to work today. He’s instead gone to the hospital to have his hand looked at, which he apparently injured last night. We know that he was at the pub until late and that somebody stole his car keys and he needed to examine the landlord’s CCTV footage to determine where they’d been hidden, but apart from that, we know nothing: he carefully avoided saying how he’d managed to hurt himself, which implies that it’s something particularly stupid or embarrassing. Let the speculation begin!

Comcast Customer Service

Saw a news story today that made me smile: it seems that this guy had problems with his Comcast cable modem and, after a fair amount of hassle, finally managed to get them to send an engineer around to look at it. The engineer proceeded to fall asleep on the guy’s couch, which he caught on video and posted online.
Comcast, somewhat distressed by this bad publicity, sent a whole team of engineers around to fix our amatuer filmmaker’s internet connection, and report that the engineer in question is no longer working for them.

One can make all kinds of comments about the behaviour of the engineer on call, but the easily-overlooked point is that the engineer fell asleep after spending over an hour in a telephone queue to Comcast’s engineering department… something tells me that firing the engineer won’t fix Comcast’s customer service problems…

Computer Games And The Monetary Value Of Entertainment Time

How much does entertainment cost? Well, it depends on the medium. A recent interview with Bing Gordon (who has not only a crazy name but also a high ranking position with videogames company Electronic Arts) talks briefly at the end of the article about the comparative cost of different forms of entertainment, and tries to demonstrate that computer games are cheap if you factor in the amount of time they provide entertainment for.

The article’s not terribly interesting unless you’re an undergraduate student wondering how you can join the EA galley when you graduate, but it got me thinking about what we spend on entertainment. Here’s a few thoughts.

I might spend £10-£15 on a good book, and it’ll provide me with, say, 10-20 hours of entertainment, depending on the number of words and the re-readability of the story. I’ll frequently spend more than this on non-fiction books, but I’ll disregard them as entertainment for the time being (despite the fact that I’m frequently caught enjoying a good reference volume in the bath), because most normal people don’t read these for fun. So that’s 50p to £1.50 per hour of entertainment, on average – and I’ll frequently buy books that are cheaper than this. Books are also great in that I can hand them on to friends or family, which doubles or triples the value if we’re counting “person-hours”. Some of my favourite books, such as Imajica and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, which I have read multiple times and passed on to friends to read too, have values like 10p/hour or less. That’s pretty good value as far as entertainment goes.
Sometimes I rent DVDs (typically, only where it’s more convenient to do so than to download the film, and, sadly, it’s currently easier to download pirated versions of films than legitimate ones, so they win, but I look forward to being able to rent films online in a sensible manner). A DVD rental costs me about £3. If it were about an hour and a half long and I watched it alone, that’d give me a value of about £2/hour, but films not only have the advantage of being able to share them with friends, but they can be shared simultaneously with friends (try this with books and you’ll quickly get frustrated, particularly if you have an uncommonly fast or slow reading speed). If I watch a £3 DVD or (shocker) videotape rental with three friends, that’s a value of about 50p per person-hour. Pretty good value.

Buying films isn’t such good value, because at about £15 or so each you’d have to watch each one five times to get the equivalent value as if you’d rented it. Plus, you’re likely to rent the film (or see it at the cinema, which has only slightly greater cost than renting it) before buying it, which is a cost that counts against you because if you’d bought it in the first place you wouldn’t have needed to pay to rent it: so; assume I rent a DVD (£3), like it, and buy it (£15): I’ve then got to watch it a further five times before it becomes worth the same as re-renting it. Plus, buying a film puts you at risk of the disc becoming scratched (or the tape worn out), nullifying the value of your purchase. You have to particularly like a film to be worth buying it at retail prices: that, or be willing to sacrifice the money for the convenience of having the film always available at a moment’s notice, or really want the special features you don’t get on the rental copy.

Now let’s have a look at computer games. Computer games are a complicated beast, because their value on this (very simplistic, I know) scale is so hard to assess. I bought a copy of Civilization IV and I’ve probably played it for about 40 hours: at £25, that’s about 60p per person-hour so far, not counting the time that Claire has spent playing it, and based on my enjoyment of it’s prequels I anticipate I’ll have gotten it as low as about 4p per person-hour before I get sufficiently bored of it to put it away forever. But on the other hand, there’s a huge difference between NetHack, which is free, and has consumed well over 100 hours of my life, and Myst 4, for which I paid £35 and which has taken no more than about 6 hours of my time (that’s almost £6 per person-hour: unbelievably bad value).

Not only is the value by straight “person-hours” of videogames very variable, but they suffer from another complication: the loss, in the majority of cases, of the benefits of the social element. Books are high-value because they’re cheap and you can lend them to your friends. Films are medium-to-high value because they’re cheap to rent, you can try them out (by renting them) before you commit to buying them, and because you can watch them with a whole roomful of friends (although if there’s more than nine of you, or money changes hands, it might be considered a “public screening” and is illegal). But computer games are complex again: Civilization IV is a multiplayer-capable game, for example, and I can play it with anybody in the world, but if I want to play it with my girlfriend at the other end of the room, I have to buy another copy of the game. I can play with her on the same computer, but because the game has a copy-protection mechanism that requires that the CD is in the drive to play (and for no other purpose than this – all the data is on the hard disk), I’m restricted from playing across my local network. Well, until I install a No-CD crack or duplicate the disc, but you see my point.

Several of the early games in the Command & Conquer series came with two CDs, and allowed two players to play together from the same copy (if you wanted more players, you had to buy more copies). That seemed fair. The original Command & Conquer cost me under £20 and ate most of my life during the last few years of high school: the value is immeasurably high. But so many computer games these days are so expensive and the risk that you’ll pick up a crap one is high. Combine that with the fact that nobody does rentals of PC games, and you’ve got a great explanation of why the piracy rate is so high. I’d far rather download a copy of Latest Game 2: The Revenge and play it, and, if I like it, buy a copy. So that’s what I do. Only the companies who make crap games lose out, but all of the companies try to make it difficult for me. What’s up with that?

An interesting side effect of this approach is that I am more likely to pay for a game with no copy protection or weak copy protection than I am to pay for a game with strong copy protection (or shitty crippleware-laden copy protection like StarForce), simply because I’m less likely to have downloaded and played it already.

Wow; that was a fair meander from my original point.