I don’t want to stir up trouble, and I don’t have any intention to take sides. I’m going to say a couple of things, for which I fully expect to be misinterpreted and I’m all set for the barrange of comments I’ll get hereafter. But hey, that’s enough disclaimerism. On to the controversy:
In case you hadn’t heard and somehow Bryn’s blog post didn’t give anything away (in which case: what planet are you on?), Bryn and Heather split up last month. From my perspective – admittedly one skewed by being hundreds of miles away and getting most of my Bryn/Heather related news and happenings third-hand – this was pretty much inevitable by this point: it sounds as if their relationship had reached it’s expiry date.
Is it sad? Is it happy? There’s some of both of those feelings in there, I’m sure, but from where I am it’s mostly just a change, and not one that directly affects me. I hope that both of them have long and happy love lives hereafter, and that from the remains of the relationship that they have the choice to salvage or to not salvage a friendship – whichever they prefer.
That sounds cold, but I’ve had relationships that have ended with that choice available, and I’ve had relationships that have ended without that choice available. In my experience, those where my ex- and I have felt able to choose “where we go next” have been orders of magnitude easier than those in which we have not. This has been true even where the choice would ultimately be to go our separate ways, or to never talk to one another again.
But I didn’t write this entry as some kind of veiled excuse to analyse my own past love life within a conveniently post-topical context. So I’ll stop talking about myself.
Heather dropped me a message recently, and asked that it be circulated amongst the abnibbers. As she hints in it that she’d have blogged it if she had a blog, I can only assume that she’d be happy with it appearing here, on mine. Obviously I wouldn’t publish it if I felt it were blatantly offensive or trying to cause upset or harm, but as that doesn’t seem to be the case, here it is:
Subject: In response to Bryn’s non-moderation of my comment re. Sundeep’s comment on his blog.
…And also given that my blog got lost in the ‘great server crash’, and I (understandably) haven’t had it resurrected on Bryn’s site:
I’ve sent this to as many abnib readers as I can think of in my friends list. I’d be grateful if it could be passed around to anyone I don’t have or have forgotten.
This isn’t meant to be an attack on anyone in particular, more a reflection of my complete lack of any other media to communicate in.
I am aware that Sundeep’s comment wasn’t meant in this manner, however the content of it was really quite upsetting. I am still hurting more than I thought possible over this breakup, and reading about Bryn in this sort of context is quite like having something very painful twisted around in the region of my heart. I’m well aware that I cannot prescribe anybody’s behaviour, and in all likelihood, what Sundeep has said will occur, and that Bryn is entitled to dance with as many attractive women as he likes. However, things happening that I know nothing about, and cheerful messages posted in an open forum are entirely different things, and I’d very much appreciate it if, for the time being, we could all try not to rub in my face how very much Bryn is enjoying his new single life, and happy with all his friends, whilst I am at home, lonely and brokenhearted.
I’m not digging for sympathy, or trying to slander, or anything like that. But as I have been denied my most effective method of getting over things by not being able to communicate with Bryn through any method at all, it’s going to take me a good deal of time to get over this, and I’d appreciate all the help I can get.
Thanks for your time.
Before I get the obvious complaint: I fully respect Bryn’s right to censor comments on his blog: it’s his blog, after all, and it’s up to him what passes as a valid comment. Moreover, I’m of the opinion that if Heather doesn’t want to know about the good (or bad) things happening in Bryn’s life, it’s easy enough to simply not read his blog – I certainly don’t feel that blogging counts as “rubbing her face in it.”
If you still wish to complain, there’s a form below. And if you have the balls to do so non-anonymously, all the better.
The other possibility is that Bryn simply hadn’t seen the comment on hist blog when Heather sent that to people – he’s been off-site for the past few days and I’ve not seen him online during that time.
That said, I don’t think Heather’s message will do much to help matters, quite the opposite imho. If she’s going to get worked up by messages like Sundeep’s, I dread to think how she’ll react when there’s actually something to report…
Plus, if she wants a blog of her own, she could always use one of the many free blog services out there – hell, even Facebook has Notes… If she wants the old entries from her blog, I can probably dig those out too – the “great server crash” server is sat in my front room now and I can power it up if needed.
Who’s next on the soapbox?
I don’t think Bryn is censoring anything; I think he just manually approves comments, and considering that he’s been without an internet connection since Sunday night, that’s probably a little difficult (to clarify, he’s been without an internet connection which isn’t on a client site – I’m not sure that his employer want him turning up on site and logging into his own blog).
“I don’t want to stir up trouble” – you are doing. Stop it.
–Jon
My first thought after reading what Heather said was that it was an understandable reaction and I felt sorry for her. Then my second thought was that, if you’ve just broken up with someone, trying to find solace by reading their blog probably ain’t such a grand plan, as tempting as it might be.
Gareth:
Yes, that’s a possibility too. It was my assumption that his blog still functioned in the way that it did when I last posted a comment, which was that it would appear but could be removed later.
No, I don’t imagine that Heather’s message will help matters, but I’m not trying to specifically help matters – I don’t think I know enough about anything to make a decision about what will “help” and what will “hinder.” So instead, where it doesn’t seem to be deliberately malicious, I’m just passing on messages as I’ve been asked to.
I’m way ahead of you – I’ve already made sure she’s aware of other blogging platforms and services.
Jon:
As Gareth, you may be right if Bryn manually approves comments; but my statement still stands – he’s completely within his rights to approve or disapprove whatever he sees fit. And, in fact, there are plenty of perfectly good reasons not to permit your ex- to post comments of any nature to your blog, at least for a while after you split up.
Oh, and if you’re going to ask me to do something I don’t know how to do, at least be so kind as to provide a clue. Ta.
Rory:
Yeah, I agree. She’s obviously having a shitty time of it at the moment, and it seems self-evident to me that checking the blog of an ex- at that time, even if just “to see if they’re as miserable as me” sounds like a recipe for heartbreak. Still, I can see how she could have done so anyway: I know I probably would have.
I hope she gets herself into a better frame of mind, soon. I hope Bryn’s okay, too, but I don’t speak to him so often that I’d know either way. I just want everybody to be happy and to get along, silly hippy that I am.
I only meant the reply in a playful/jokey, friendly, warm, encouraging (for Bryn, whose blog I was replying to) and innocent manner – I really can’t believe it got interpreted the way it has and, I feel, has been taken out of proportion. It was about and for Bryn … not anyone else.
I can appreciate that Heather is hurting and it is a hard time for her. I shall not post such things in a public forum for a while. I feel bad for making her feel this way… but I seriously did not intend for any of this!! I didn’t even *think* she might read it!! (yes, maybe that is down to being thoughtless) Anyway, I sincerely hope Heather is/will be OK.
In other news, I bought some new shampoo yesterday and it was AMAZING. It was £6.15 for 100 ml from Boots – I recommend it.
Yeah I had a tough break up too once. It all ended when the judge gave me some legal bullshit about “stalking” and “not being allowed within 100 metres of the school gates”.
Well if the judiciary think it’s wrong to sneak into someone’s bedroom when their asleep and cut their hair and borrow their underwear then I don’t know what kind of crazy world we’re living in.
Pikeness:
Of course. I’m pretty sure that nobody thinks that you shouldn’t have said what you did – you were inspirational and bouncy and happy and supportive of Bryn and you should feel free to be all of those things. I maintain that if Heather visits Bryn’s blog and finds him inspired, bounced on, happy, and supported, and she feels upset by that, that’s not your fault.
That doesn’t mean that we should be heartless: you’re right that Heather’s feeling bad and I for one want to be supportive to her. But I won’t not say what I think, and I don’t think you should either.
You might have to give me a little more than the price and bottle size, Sundeep, if you expect me to buy any of this “AMAZING” shampoo, by the way. =op
Gareth that isn’t not-gay-Gareth or the other-Gareth:
Thank you for giving a sense of insanity to this otherwise quite straightforward string of blog comments.
Pikeness: From what I understand of the situation at no point is anyone blaming you nor even thinking that you’ve done this out of malice. Quite frankly, I don’t think anyone who’s met you for more than five minutes can think that you’d do anything out of malice. One of the reasons I love ya.
When you say that the shampoo was AMAZING do you mean it’s name is AMAZING or it’s effects?
Dan: (Re: Jon) I think that by re-posting Heather’s note to your ‘blog along with your own comments counts as stirring up trouble.
And for the sake of semantics there are a few assumptions you made regarding Heather’s intentions. Yes, she says that she doesn’t have a ‘blog in which to complain so an assumption that she would complain in her ‘blog is valid. What is not so valid (and this is where I’m worried you may have over stepped the mark) is reproducing this message to a list of people not chosen by her. Your ‘blog is read far more widely than the Abnib lot and your readers may include people Heather does not particularly want reading this (like, say, Google). She may have chosen to re-word things for a general ‘blog entry or she may have chosen to make such an entry Friends Only. I’m assuming that you have e-mail addresses for everyone on Abnib and so could have distributed her message (and your own comments if you wanted) that way, but I can certainly see how this can stir up trouble. And, come on, so can you.
Matt In The Hat:
Thank you for your assumptions. I’ll put them in a box labelled “assumptions” and deal with them accordingly. In particular, I’d like to pick up on this:
What is not so valid (and this is where I’m worried you may have over stepped the mark) is reproducing this message to a list of people not chosen by her.
Actually, I’ve cleared this with Heather. She’s aware that it’s appeared on my blog, and she’s comfortable with that. Her blog, when she had it, was also read by Google in the same way that mine is, and hers, like mine, has never had a “friends only” feature.
Also, I do not have working e-mail addresses for everybody on Abnib.
Your box awaits your collection.
“at least be so kind as to provide a clue.”
You and I both know that this isn’t suitable for your blog. If you really really wanted to pass this message along, you should have used email. Don’t be a fucking idiot.
Jon, Matt:
Wow guys. I really doubt that Dan is trying to cause trouble. Can you imagine how contortuplicated the string of replies would’ve got by now if he’d sent an email instead?
Jon, I know abrasive is your thing, but sometimes you can be a complete fucking arsehole when it just isn’t appropriate :p
Pikeness: Talking about shampoo in a public forum? How insensitive and naive can you get!
As I am sure you are aware it is very rare for me to give my opinion to anything , but this one is getting to me simply because Bryn is one of my closest friends, whom I love dearly and I know this thread you have going on here will fuck him off.
Dan, just maybe you should have sensitively said no because after all you are a friend of them BOTH and instead pointed her in the direction of livejournal and not act as a mediator.
But…what’s done is done.
How about now we just stop.
Hayley D:
Thanks for your thoughts. I’ve anticipated this concern and I spoke to Bryn on the telephone this lunchtime about the whole thing. He didn’t seem fucked off with it.
Ruth: Of course I don’t think that Dan was trying to cause trouble! It’s just that when Jon suggested it and Dan asked for elaboration so I thought I’d throw in my tuppence worth.
First thing – this can come down now. My intention wasn’t to spark a whole debate about what was and wasn’t acceptable, and it’s already gone far beyond what I intended.
Second – I could easily have got another blog, and in the future I will probably do so. But if I had signed up for one yesterday and posted something, who would have read it? It wouldn’t be linked to, thus; no-one. I didn’t use the notes feature of facebook because I have 80-some other friends on there to whom this is entirely irrelevant.
Third – Sundeep, I know how it was meant, and I know you didn’t in any way mean anything other than friendly support from Bryn. But for whatever reason, I had had NO friendly support from anywhere or anyone who I hadn’t directly told about it face-to-face, and tbh, that made me feel pretty shitty.
Fourth – I should point out for fairness’ sake, that this wasn’t my first-choice method for dealing with this. I originally read the post on abnib (as you do) and clicked to see comments, not out of a perverse sense of self-punishment, but merely to see what people thought about the post in general. I, certainly, having had until recently regular updates, am prouder than I can say of all that Bryn has achieved at work and in the gym. RE the non-moderation issue: I typed a response, it was in a queue waiting to be moderated, and I could see it. Then -ooh- it wasn’t there at all. Admittedly, not knowing a great deal about how the blogging thing works, I jumped to the conclusion that it had not passed through the manual moderation. I apologise profusely if I am mistaken. In any case, my first idea was to phone Bryn to ask, but he is refusing to enter into any form of communication with me and didn’t answer.
Fifth – I’m desparately trying to avoid having a go at Bryn. He’s made his decision, and unhappy as I am with it, I respect that it’s the right thing for him to do, and I haven’t once tried to change his mind. It’s purely because he won’t communicate that I’ve had to resort to this. I’d very much like to remain friends with him, as well as those of you who’ve posted on here (and, indeed, those that haven’t). Bryn has been a wonderful part of my life for almost two and a half years, and I’m not stupid enough to try and ruin that with unjust slander.
I think, really, this is enough. Dan, if you could now delete this whole blog post, that would be fantastic. If anybody wants to carry on the debate with me, that’s fine. I’m on Facebook and if you’re not my friend already then I’m easily add-able. I’m sorry for all the acrimony I’ve caused on here – it really wasn’t my intention, and I very much doubt Dan would have posted anything without my say-so.
I think that last statement pretty much closes things. I’m locking comments here now.