Distractingly Amazing

Found the younger child not-in-bed but dancing around his room, using his pyjamas as perhaps some kind of streamers or flags.

Me: “Why aren’t you in bed?”
Him: “I’m sorry; I got distracted by how amazing I am.”

Hard to argue with that.

Heterophonic Homonyms

The elder of our two cars is starting to exhibit a few minor, but annoying, technical faults. Like: sometimes the Bluetooth connection to your phone will break and instead of music, you just get a non-stop high-pitched screaming sound which you can suppress by turning off the entertainment system… but can’t fix without completely rebooting the entire car.

A car dashboard with five amber and one red warning lights lit.
There’ve been other “this car is getting a bit older” technical faults too. One of his tyre pressure sensors broke the other month and caused a cascade of unrelated errors that disabled the traction control, ABS, auto-handbrake, parking sensors, and reversing camera… but replacing the pressure sensor fixed everything. Cars are weird, and that’s coming from somebody working in an industry that fully embraces knock-on regression bugs as a fact of life.

The “wouldn’t you rather listen to screaming” problem occurred this morning. At the time, I was driving the kids to an activity camp, and because they’d been quite enjoying singing along to a bangin’ playlist I’d set up, they pivoted into their next-most-favourite car journey activity of trying to snipe at one another1. So I needed a distraction. I asked:

We’ve talked about homonyms and homophones before, haven’t we? I wonder: can anybody think of a pair of words that are homonyms that are not homophones? So: two words that are spelled the same, but mean different things and sound different when you say them?

This was sufficiently distracting that it not only kept the kids from fighting for the entire remainder of the journey, but it also distracted me enough that I missed the penultimate turning of our journey and had to double-back2

…in English

With a little prompting and hints, each of the kids came up with one pair each, both of which exploit the pronunciation ambiguity of English’s “ea” phoneme:

  1. Lead, as in:
    • /lɛd/ The pipes are made of lead.
    • /liːd/ Take the dog by her lead.
  2. Read, as in:
    • /ɹɛd/read a great book last month.
    • /ɹiːd/ I will read it after you finish.

These are heterophonic homonyms: words that sound different and mean different things, but are spelled the same way. The kids and I only came up with the two on our car journey, but I found many more later in the day. Especially, as you might see from the phonetic patterns in this list, once I started thinking about which other sounds are ambiguous when written:

  1. Tear (/tɛr/ | /tɪr/): she tears off some paper to wipe her tears away.
  2. Wind (/waɪnd/ | /wɪnd/): don’t forget to wind your watch before you wind your horn.
  3. Live (/laɪv/ | /lɪv/): I’d like to see that band live if only I could live near where they play.
  4. Bass (/beɪs/ | /bæs/): I play my bass for the bass in the lake.
  5. Bow (/baʊ/ | /boʊ/): take a bow before you notch an arrow into your bow.
  6. Sow (/saʊ/ | /soʊ/): the pig and sow ate the seeds as fast as I could sow them.
  7. Does (/dʌz/ | /doʊz/): does she know about the bucks and does in the forest?

(If you’ve got more of these, I’d love to hear read them!)

…in other Languages?

I’m interested in whether heterophonic homonyms are common in any other languages than English? English has a profound advantage for this kind of wordplay3, because it has weakly phonetics (its orthography is irregular: things aren’t often spelled like they’re said) and because it has diverse linguistic roots (bits of Latin, bits of Greek, some Romance languages, some Germanic languages, and a smattering of Celtic and Nordic languages).

With a little exploration I was able to find only two examples in other languages, but I’d love to find more if you know of any. Here are the two I know of already:

  1. In French I found couvent, which works only thanks to a very old-fashioned word:
    • /ku.vɑ̃/ means convent, as in – where you keep your nuns, and
    • /ku.və/ means sit on, but specifically in the manner that a bird does on its egg, although apparently this usage is considered archaic and the word couver is now preferred.
  2. In Portugese I cound pelo, which works only because modern dialects of Portugese have simplified or removed the diacritics that used to differentiate the spellings of some words:
    • /ˈpe.lu/ means hair, like that which grows on your head, and
    • /ˈpɛ.lu/ means to peel, as you would with an orange.

If you speak more or different languages than me and can find others for me to add to my collection of words that are spelled the same but that are pronounced differently, I’d love to hear them.

Special Bonus Internet Points for anybody who can find such a word that can reasonably be translated into another language as a word which also exhibits the same phenomenon. A pun that can only be fully understood and enjoyed by bilingual speakers would be an especially exciting thing to behold!

Footnotes

1 I guess close siblings are just gonna go through phases where they fight a lot, right? But if you’d like to reassure me that for most it’s just a phase and it’ll pass, that’d be nice.

2 In my defence, I was navigating from memory because my satnav was on my phone and it was still trying to talk over Bluetooth to the car… which was turning all of its directions into a high-pitched scream.

3 If by “advantage” you mean “is incredibly difficult for non-native speakers to ever learn fluently”.

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Typeseccing

I don’t want to withdraw any of our children from sec [sic] education lessons.

Part of an email, written in Comic Sans, reading: Ages 10 – 11 Puberty for boys and girls revisited. Understanding conception to the birth of a baby. Becoming a teenager. All lessons are taught using correct terminology, child-friendly language and diagrams. / Content on relationships is compulsory for all children as well as work on reproduction and body parts, which is also covered as part of science lessons. However, parents can decide to withdraw their child from sex education lessons. Class teachers can provide more information if you wish to discuss this with your child’s teacher. / If you would like to withdraw your child from sec education lessons, then please put this in writing by the end of this week 6th June.

However they’re spelled, they’re a great idea, and I’m grateful to live in a part of the world where their existence isn’t the target of religious politics.

But if I can withdraw consent to receiving emails about sex education in Comic Sans then that’d be great, thanks. 😅

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Map of the Titan

Y’all seemed to enjoy the “overworld” map I shared the other day, so here’s another “feelie” from my kids’ ongoing D&D campaign.

The party has just arranged for passage aboard a pioneering (and experimental) Elvish airship. Here’s a deck plan (only needs a “you are here” dot!) to help them get their bearings.

In the style of a passenger ferry, a floorplan for a dirigible, weighted down by polyhedral dice. Fantasy world quirks like bilingual text in Common and Elvish and the emergency exit sign depicting a fleeing witch complete the effect.

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Family D&D’s Overworld Map

In preparation for Family D&D Night (and with thanks to my earlier guide to splicing maps together!), I’ve finally completed an expanded “overworld” map for our game world. So far, the kids have mostly hung around on the North coast of the Central Sea, but they’re picked up a hook that may take them all the way across to the other side… and beyond?

Banana for scale.

(If your GMing for kids, you probably already know this, but “feelies” go a long way. All the maps. All the scrolls. Maybe even some props. Go all in. They love it.)

On a dining table lies a old-style map comprised of 12 sheets of A4 paper, sellotaped together. The map shows the 'Central Sea', an inlet from the 'Terminic Ocean', around which various settlements, forests, mountain ranges, and swamps can be found. An underripe banana sits in one corner of the map, weighing it down.

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Daily Brushing

8-year-old, looking like a haystack: “Why do I have to brush my hair? I did it yesterday!”

Lake District art lesson

Brought the kids up Knipe Scar with limited and challenging art materials (huge sheets of paper and thick marker pens) for a lesson in drawing what a landscape makes you feel, rather than focusing on what you can actually see.

Two children on a rocky green hillside each draw on a sheet of A1 paper.

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Note #26282

“I know that losing your job was hard,” my 8-year-old said to me this evening, “So you can borrow this.” He handed me his newest soft toy.

“It’ll help you feel better when you’re sad. Keep him for the week.”

😭

'Squishmallow' soft toy in the shape of a fat snake with a starry belly, sitting on a grey pillow.

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Unacceptable language

8-year-old, angry: Give me that fucking thing right now!

Me: [Child’s name]! That’s not an acceptable way to ask for something!

8-year-old, calmer: Sorry. PLEASE can you give me that fucking thing?

Dark Patterns Detective

This is a repost promoting content originally published elsewhere. See more things Dan's reposted.

This was fun. A simple interactive demonstration of ten different dark patterns you’ve probably experienced online. I might use it as a vehicle for talking about such deceptive tactics with our eldest child, who’s now coming to an age where she starts to see these kinds of things.

Screenshot showing a basket containing a 'premium package' including several optional add-ons, with no obvious way to remove those add-ons.

After I finished exploring the dark patterns shown, I decided to find out more about the author and clicked the link in the footer, expecting to be taken to their personal web site. But instead, ironically, I came to a web page on a highly-recognisable site that’s infamous for its dark patterns: 🤣

LinkedIn screenshot showing not one but two popups to try to encourage me to log in to see more content.

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My Ball

Our beloved-but-slightly-thick dog will sometimes consent to playing fetch, but one of her favourite games to play is My Ball. Which is a bit like fetch, except that she won’t let go of the ball.

It’s not quite the same as tug-of-war, though. She doesn’t want you to pull the toy in a back-and-forth before, most-likely, giving up and letting her win1. Nor is My Ball a solo game: she’s not interested in sitting and simply chewing the ball, like some dogs do.

A champagne-coloured French Bulldog on a black-and-white rug, indoors, stands while chewing a lime green tennis ball.
I’d like to imagine the grunts and snorts she makes at about this moment actually translate to “My ball. Myyyy… ballll. Myyyyy ball! MY BALL! My… BALL!”

No, this is absolutely a participatory game. She’ll sit and whine for your attention to get you to come to another room. Or she’ll bring the toy in question (it doesn’t have to be a ball) and place it gently on your foot to get your attention.

Your role in this game is to want the ball. So long as you’re showing that you want the ball – occasionally reaching down to take it only for her to snatch it away at the last second, verbally asking if you can have it, or just looking enviously in its general direction – you’re playing your part in the game. Your presence and participation is essential, even as your role is entirely ceremonial.

A champagne-coloured French Bulldog in a doorway, on a tiled floor, holds a braided rope; a human hand barely holds the other end.
This might look like a game of tug-of-war, but you’ll note that my grip is just barely two-fingered. She’s not pulling, because she doesn’t need to unless I try to take the toy. This is My Rope, she knows.

Playing it, I find myself reminded of playing with the kids when they were toddlers. The eldest in particular enjoyed spending countless hours playing make-believe games in which the roles were tightly-scripted2. She’d tell me that, say, I was a talking badger or a grumpy dragon or an injured patient but immediately shoot down any effort to role-play my assigned character, telling me that I was “doing it wrong” if I didn’t act in exactly the unspoken way that she imagined my character ought to behave.

But the important thing to her was that I embodied the motivation that she assigned me. That I wanted the rabbits to stop digging too near to my burrow3 or the princess to stay in her cage4 or to lie down in my hospital bed and await the doctor’s eventual arrival5. Sometimes I didn’t need to do much, so long as I showed how I felt in the role I’d been assigned.

A toddler with long blonde hair, wearing a pink cardigan, sits on a tall stool in front of a kitchen sink, holding a long-handled scrubbing brush.
In this game, the chef was “making soup” (in the sink, apparently) and my job was to “want the soup”.

Somebody with much more acting experience and/or a deeper academic comprehension of the performing arts is going to appear in the comments and tell me why this is, probably.

But I guess what I mean to say is that playing with my dog sometimes reminds me of playing with a toddler. Which, just sometimes, I miss.

Footnotes

1 Alternatively, tug-of-war can see the human “win” and then throw the toy, leading to a game of fetch after all.

2 These games were, admittedly, much more-fun than the time she had me re-enact my father’s death with her.

3 “Grr, those pesky rabbits are stopping me sleeping.”

4 “I’ll just contentedly sit on my pile of treasure, I guess?”

5 Playing at being an injured patient was perhaps one of my favourite roles, especially after a night in which the little tyke had woken me a dozen times and yet still had some kind of tiny-human morning-zoomies. On at least one such occasion I’m pretty sure I actually fell asleep while the “doctor” finished her rounds of all the soft toys whose triage apparently put them ahead of me in the pecking order. Similarly, I always loved it when the kids’ games included a “naptime” component.

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