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I hate being ill.
Not (just) for the obvious and immediate reasons: (this time around: the nausea, the musculoskeletal aches, the dizziness) the physical symptoms.
It’s a psychological issue I get hung up on. It feels wastefully unproductive to put aside time to rest and recover; extravagantly selfish to take care of myself before others: an unearned luxury to lie in bed while the rest of the world works.
Clearly there’s a deeper issue here. Feeling (seen as?) underproductive or not pulling my weight is a real hangup for me. I’ve long established a pecking order of my priorities that puts my self-care… pretty low down.
That turns out to be a general psychological sticking point for me, probably for most of my life. I’ve been working on it for a few years, though, and I think I’m getting better at it. This morning, I managed to stop myself from staggering downstairs to help ensure the kids got up and ate breakfast, before a bleary-eyed stagger to my desk to check my work email. Instead, I’m still just lying here in bed, an hour after my alarm rang.
I still hate being ill. But maybe I’m getting better (at it)?
It’s ok to put yourself first when your self is suffering. I’ve been trying to use reverse perspective to get over similar hangups – if it was my partner who felt the way I was feeling, would I actually want them to get up and drag themself around the place looking miserable or would I want them to stay in bed and rest?
In this case it’s easy – I want you to stay in bed and rest :) Everything’s under control.