You know that famous photo of Marilyn Monroe – iconic of the golden years of the silver screen – trying not-too-hard to hold down her dress against the wind effects of a subway train passing underneath? Well, apparently the film it’s from is a romantic comedy called The Seven Year Itch (1955), which is based on a 1952 play of the same name. I haven’t seen the film, but there’s plenty of fascinating trivia about it on the IMDb page if you’re interested. But I wasn’t planning on writing much about the film (or the play) anyway.
The story is about a man (played by Tom Ewell) who works as a publisher, in the process of publishing a book called The Seven Year Itch, which claims that a significant proportion of men have affairs after seven years of marriage. While his wife and son are out of town, he meets a young woman (played by Monroe). In the play, he has an affair with her, while the (in some ways cleverer) film adaptation sees him merely play out fantasies in his mind as he gets to know her: these fantasies are fleshed out with justifications for his infidelity – he imagines his wife cheating on him, too, and this makes him more comfortable doing the same.
It’s just a story, but it’s one with a grounding in statistics that were being observed even then: that many relationships go through a point at which break-ups and infidelity are more common after about 7 years. A more recent study, published in Development Psychology, indicated that there is another significant point – at least, in contemporary marriages – at which relationships are likely to fail, at about the four year mark. If you draw a graph of the length of time that broken marriages last, there are significant peaks at the four and seven year marks. Less widely-published studies exist (often for the purpose of testing if this phenomenon applies to relationships that do not involve marriage), and generally get similar results. I haven’t seen anything that looked at homosexual relationships, but I’d be interested in such a study if anyone’s seen one.
Several researchers have looked for biological explanations: four years is about the right amount of time (perhaps a little more) that, if a woman was impregnated at the beginning and was breast-feeding the child, she’d be fertile again and potentially looking for a more attractive mate. Conversely, it’s about the right amount of time that a male can be sure that a genetic rival isn’t going to kill his child (or impregnate his female), and can move on. All of these (and many more) theories draw on things we believe we’ve learned about the behaviour of early human societies, which sadly doesn’t amount to much. The seven-year mark is harder to explain.
It’s all quite believable, though, once you exclude the speculation about the reasons for it and look at the statistics. Better yet, find some friends who’ve been in stable relationships for a long while, or who were in long-term relationships but then broke up, and find out the points at which things have been most difficult.
From personal experience: there has only been one point, so far, at which I wasn’t sure if Claire and I were likely to be able to maintain our relationship – shortly after we moved into The Place… and almost exactly four years since our relationship began. We had a particularly rough time of things, which we mostly blamed on the stress of moving house (didn’t get the same thing during the move to The Cottage, though) and various other complications in our lives (none of which caused the same kind of tensions when they repeated themselves, though). Perhaps it was just a combination of factors that gave us that "rough patch," or perhaps it’s something biochemical like the "four-year itch." Perhaps it’s partially that, and partially other things. I’m pretty sure Claire would tell a similar story about these particular couple of emotional months.
Claire and I’s relationship is fabulous now, and we’re actually "better at it," in my mind, than ever before (over the year since that troublesome period, we’ve learned a handful of great relationship maintenance and communication skills we’d not quite got fully worked-out beforehand, perhaps). It’s interesting, though, to look at that "four year" mark (give or take nine months or so) in other people’s relationships. I’ve spoken to a few, and while the line of questioning I’ve been using could be construed as "leading" and certainly wouldn’t pass as scientifically valid, it’s yeilded some interesting stories: some people tell tales of partners or partners of friends who cheated (or whose cheating become obvious) after about four years, or who went through a tough spot characterised by arguments or – more difficult still to deal with – a lack of communication. Others talk about break-ups at about that time, or about starting to them and their partner beginning to drift apart, looking for different things in their relationships.
I just thought it was quite interesting, and I wanted to share that thought with you. But if you’ve got any similar stories from your life or stories you’ve heard from others: let me know.
Dan you and I must have some bizarre mental link. This is the second or possibly third time that you’ve blogged something i’ve been thinking about shortly before.
I’ve seen the film – it’s okay. Not amazing. You don’t even get to see Marilyn’s bush. Ripoff.
Anyway I don’t have any experiences of any length of itch. Sian and I have been together for 3 years 4 months 2 days and about ten hours (officially). Prior to that my longest relationship lasted 6 months. And I’ve never been with anyone before Sian who I actually intended to stay with long-term. I suppose in about, oh, seven months 29 days and 14 hours I might have some data for you. :)
It’s kinda cute that you’re still counting the hours. Keep it up.
And let me know how the next year goes. =o)
is it cute that sian remembers our anniversary because it’s the date john lennon was shot?
Umm. Not so much, no. But still, I’m sure it’s nice to have a nmemonic.
Hmm, “Q-Day” – the day Claire and I changed our names – is the day that Captain America was shot. Not quite the same thing, really, is it?
We’ve no idea of the date we became a couple. We could possibly work it out, but we’re both too laid back to bother.
The day that Robbie Folwer signed for Liverpool was the first anniversary of me and Emma getting together. She doesn’t like the fact that I remember it that way.
We’ve been together about three years two and a half months. Sometimes that feels like an itch that can’t be scratched though.
Yup, 3 years and 3 months was the absolute breaking point. I think from around the 18month point you think hmmm possibly serious in a forever and ever kind of way. You then spend the next 18months or so assessing the idea and finding multiple flaws with your chosen partner which despite attempts to fix them can lead to the end. Or at least in my one experience of long-term relationships anyway. Communication or rather lack of certainly didn’t help. Maybe you just get periodic ‘itches’ where another change on your life makes things difficult. I don’t know, its an interesting idea though. Perhaps my break up was biochemical, I basically realised (to put it very bluntly) that he wasn’t going to provide for any offspring or even himself so I couldn’t justify hanging around. Hmmm, you’ve really got me procrastinating on it now…I’ll get back to you :)
Interesting post, thanks for sharing. Not being particularly experienced with long relationships, I don’t really have anything in the way of personal insights to offer (except to agree that marriages seem especially prone to failure around the four year mark, based on the majority I’ve observed), but nonetheless I enjoyed reading this.
Like restless, JTA and I haven’t got to 4 years yet (we’re at 3 and a half-ish, I think). I’m hoping the 7 year thing isn’t going to get us, because about a month after our seventh anniversary is when we’re planning on getting married.
We did have a bit of a wrinkle at around the 2-and-two-thirds mark, but that was caused by the whole ‘leaving Aber’ thing, I think. We’re ok now.
Your advice at the time of the wrinkle was much appreciated.