HSBC have closed my bank account with them: a bank account I’d had with them since they were Midland Bank, back when I was still in high school. I hadn’t used it for, well – anything at all – for the last 9 months or so, and didn’t know it had been closed (they’d never told me) until I decided to check my balance last week and had my card stolen by a machine.
I went along to see them today, mostly out of curiosity as to what had happened. The cashier sent me to customer services, who seemed quite confused when they were unable to access my account details on the computer. They eventually found my details and had explained what had happened. The final balance, they informed me, was minus 6 pence.
Me: I’m not sure I can settle that six-pence debt all at once. Perhaps I can take a loan with you, and pay you back – I don’t know – eight monthly installments of a penny each, to clear it.
Her: That won’t be necessary.
Me: Umm, okay then… I could probably spare about sixpence… <checks wallet> Would you take a cheque?
Her: We’re happy to write-off the debt.
Me: I’m not sure I could live with myself knowing I’d cost you that sixpence. I mean; I’ve been with HSBC since before it was HSBC… almost ten years, now –
Her: <getting a little scared now>
Me: – and you’ve been great to me. There was that time you refused to give me a student account for no apparent reason, so I took my business to NatWest. And then there was that time I argued with your technical support staff about your facist web browser compatability policy for your online banking. And that time you keep posting me new Solo cards, one a month, for fun. And that time just five minutes ago that I queued for almost 12 minutes just to be told my account had been closed and the bank hadn’t even written to me to tell me. After all of that, how could I possibly steal sixpence from you?
Her: Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?