Wild Haggis

"According to a survey released on 26 November 2003, one-third of US visitors to Scotland believed the haggis to be a real creature."

Thanks, Wikipedia.

Edit; 5th July 2007: Thanks, Wikipedia. Thwikipedia.

Next Week’s Terrorist Attacks

Here’s our predictions:

  • Terrorists detonated a pollen bomb this morning in Birmingham City Centre, spreading chaos amongst hayfever sufferers throughout the area. Four people have been treated with antihistamines, one of also has asthma. “I was scared for my life,” she said in an interview with our correspondent.
  • Simultaneously, two suicide bombers from different terrorist factions attacked one another in a field in Cornwall. A cow was injured in the resulting explosion, and police have sealed off the area.
  • In an unexpected attack this afternoon, a terrorist group has let all of the air out of the tires of the buses in Daventry bus station. This is believed to be the a follow up attack to the brutal assault on Daventry police station last week, in which seven police officers found their shoelaces tied together. Chaos has ensued in Daventry: at least one guinea pig went hungry as his owner, who was due to bring home some broccoli on the bus, was delayed by four hours.
  • And we’re just receiving word that the missing garden gnomes from Mrs. Evan’s garden in Hampshire is being treated as a kidnapping. A tape delivered this evening stated that the group responsible was going to execute the gnomes and send recordings to news agencies.

Penguins

Funny picture. Just needs a caption.

Several emperor penguins standing around looking at a penguin plushie

×

The Scat Men

Don’t usually go in for these memes, but this one was too funny not to publish.

<html code=”bad” school=”old”>

The Scat Men Stats

Formed: 29th June 2005
Split: 10th September 2011
Best Album: ‘Supremo’ 7/10 in the NME
Best Single: ‘Unstates’ 6/10 in the NME
Records Sold: 169,413 in total (84,172 albums, 85,241 singles).
Reputation: Obscure
Groupies: vikingjim recently won a contract with a blue conglomerate to market dildos towards the over 60’s market.
Other After realising how shite ‘God Save the Queen’ really was, Queen Elizabeth II instated ‘Barge’ as the new national anthem. Another shit song for a shit country.

The Scat Men Member Profiles

bryn_s

bryn_s sounds like a delicate cross between a recently castrated chicken and Johnny Rotten.
restlessboy

Unable to pick strings individually, restlessboy had to resort to beating the shit out of all of the strings at once to contribute in any way to The Scat Men’s din. And even then…

reaperkit

It is fair to say that reaperkit is a stroppy old bastard. They’ve threatened to pack The Scat Men in after they received a death threat from the ghost of Mother Thersea who reportedly said in a whispered tone “I’m trying to rest in piece here yer prick! Cut with the bollocks before I smear yer pod in shite!”

scatmania

scatmania’s manages to make an epileptic speed freak from Inverness look co-ordinated.

eskoala

eskoala posesses the unique ability to detune pianos by simply looking at them.

Single Releases

# Title Date
39 Outgnaw Deflower Enfaces Lyingly Aug 2005
39 Risky Decimate Sep 2005
26 Unstates Oct 2005
31 Glamor Clutch Civilize Carotins Fallouts Dishfuls Nov 2005
31 Repoured Myeloma Usance May 2007
22 Stage Aroused Talcky Patch Blocked Jun 2007
30 Cilium Anurous Aug 2007
25 Sunups Tocsin Wooler Sep 2007
N/A Unawaked Firms Sep 2008
40 Parers Oct 2008
N/A Overlent Croceins Depicted Dec 2008
N/A Bocks Briskly Boras Rebuff Feminist Feb 2009
N/A Nauplii Mar 2010
N/A Turacos May 2010
N/A Crossed Abstract Showroom Khaddar Treks Jul 2010
N/A Barge Oct 2010

Album Releases

# Title Date
74 Supremo Jun 2005
33 Ceboids Mar 2007
27 Nibs Rooftree Jun 2008
N/A Enduring Unusual Wissed Chicle Subbings Dec 2009

</html>

Dan And Alex

Dan & Alex comic

People have been asking me if these comics are actually related to my co-worker, Alex. Of course the answer is no: I would never say anything so unflattering about such a great and able worker as Alex, nor would I ever call him RetardBoy. And obviously these comics aren’t based on actual events: it would just be wrong to imply that these conversations actually happened in any way, shape or form.

Honest.

Keep Away From Fire

I hadn’t noticed before, but my jeans have a little label in them, sewn in right by my crotch. It reads:

Keep Away From Fire

Yeah; no shit – that’s my knob we’re talking about. Like I need a warning.