Birmingham Egg

Culinary Crusader Paul Mann likes nothing better than to experiment with new and exciting recipes. To him his mouth is a temple in which offerings are made to the gods of the stomach. A loving and kind hearted god which rewards its worshippers with a fatty coating to protect them through the long winter months, and satisfying bowel movements. One day, tired of the same old tastes and combinations he turned to the internet to find the new source of food-based high that his fleshy inner god had long been seeking.

Before long he stumbled upon the b3ta newsletter's recipe for the legendary 'Birmingham Eggs'. Paul was intrigued. Spurred on by the promise of a free t-shirt he rounded up his fellow stomach worshippers and set out to explore the limits of ecstacy that this latest savoury megamix was sure to create.

Some background. The Birmgham Egg was created in 1912 by the first Indo-Brummie immigrants as a way of fostering better relationships with the residents of the jovial midland hamlet. The meal originally consisted of eggs laid by the mythical Studley Ostrich; to protect the chicks from the cold middle-English climate, the birds surrounded them with a layer of fat. After the birds died out in the 1940s due to over-farming for the war effort, the devout Brummie curry chefs invented a replacement egg which substituted a layer of reconstituted ham for the ostrich fat and a breadcrumb crust for added pizazz. The egg was named the Scotch Egg because their creation was recorded on Scotch video tape. The eggs were cooked in Tikka Masala sauce - 'Tikka Masala' literally means 'Saucy Nest' - and thus the dish was born.

Back to the story. Paul and his fellow adventurers Liz, Jon and Secretary of State for Wales the Rt Hon Peter Hain MP (not pictured) headed to the local Scotch Egg shop and purchased five of their finest.

Back at HQ, local chef Liz provided a jar of finest Masala sauce...

And cooked it up in a traditional Birmingham frying pan.

Woah! Careful there Liz. This is gonna be one fiery mess!

Meanwhile Paul took the easy route to egg preparation...

In the olden days, the eggs would have been warmed over the ashes of recently burned witches, but as no suspicious old women had recently been blamed for the death of farm animals in the local area, we settled for a microwave.

All that remained was that final authentic touch...

Naan bread was, as its name suggests, made by the elderly women of the village. However it was originally made from wool and could be used either as a snack or a purse. Our naan bread was made by sitting on a regular loaf for half an hour and farting.

Finally the feast was ready!

Everything ready, Paul sat down to watch his favourite episode of Bargain Hunt and tuck in to the gourmet meal he had just prepared for himself.

The first bite.

Paul "The Masala sauce has a refreshing tangy kick, not unlike lemon juice mixed with yoghurt..."

"...then the breadcumbs add an earthy tone...

"...before finally the delicate combination of factory-boiled egg and reconstituted ham make your tastebuds zing like a minefield of tiny orgasms."

Watch the moment Paul fell in love with Birmingham's finest dish! Click here for the video (22MB, AVI). Update: For the bandwidth-poor, please use the smaller movie (3MB, DivX), or the really small movie (1.5MB, DivX). Thanks!

Since this fateful day, Paul has invented several variations on the recipe including Birmingham egg with pineapple, Birmingham egg on a bed of shredded carrot, Birmingham egg and potato pie, Brimingham egg calzone, and Birmingham egg in chocolate soup.

If you want to be like Paul. Why not try Birmingham Eggs for yourself? Join the growing worldwide community of exponents of this most fucking random of dishes!

e-mail: ilovebirminghameggs@gmail.com to find out how to get involved!

Credits: Paul ate it, Liz cooked it, Jon took the photos and did the HTML, Andy R wrote the text. Released under the I Really Could Care Less About You Public License, 2005. Resurrected from the Wayback Machine (here) and other sources by Dan Q, 2018.

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